My 'Good morning' Cocktail

The other morning, when I woke up, I turned my head to look at the clock and saw the numbers showing ‘eleven' something. My body chemistry changed within the instant.  Within moments I felt as though I had done something wrong.  I don't need to drink or bungy jump - my body knows how to deliver instant cocktail shots for free!

Even without knowing the exact chemicals that surged through my body, I recognized every experience.  Maybe one day I'll have them in some order, but for now here they are as I remember.

I was scared of something, even though I didn’t know of anything specifically scary in the moment.

I felt guilty, as though I had done something wrong

There was shame. A feeling of being bad in this world or for others in some way

I felt despair.  That feeling you get when you just want to shake your head while thinking ‘there is no way to make up for this?’

I felt sad.  I had lost something valuable to me, time.

I also felt shock.  The shock was the result of all these feelings coming at me so suddenly, so unexpectedly.  Shock and adrenaline to tell me there’s a problem and it’s happening now.

Gone! Within a split second, gone is any form of drowsy and peaceful waking.   

Gone! The momentary feeling of being refreshed and awake was gone! Weary hovered closer again.

Gone! Peace, calm and easy breathing replaced with alert eyes, shallow breathing and increased heartrate!

 

Well – GOOD MORNING MISIA! That shot certainly had me standing to attention.    

Unfortunately, this experience is uninvited but not unusual.  

I don't sleep until 11am often, so that is not the only trigger however I can recognise that it happens during many other times, not only at waking up but also when I've been relaxed or calm and suddenly realised I have forgotten something or lost track of the time.  It is comparable to being woken up to a gloved hand and a mysterious jab in the arm.

  

Like something in Downton Abbey, I could also hear a few other voices. The whispers and echos which come through the walls in susceptible moments.  Somehow, talking to me while talking to each other

“It would have been much better if you had gotten started a few hours ago” states a Disapproving self. There is no room for understanding, love or acceptance.  Self doubt raises its eyebrows and with one of those single raised head nods and grunts says "Yeah, she says she wants to work or get things done! Sleep really shows that!?”  I can hear the sarcasm.

I have had enough work and practice to not integrate or engage with those additional voices, to return to my own world and experience very quickly.  However, on this day I make note that those conversations are still there.  If they were neighbours I could dismiss them knowing that they were not part of my day nor my journey.  However, these are voices that still live within me, which means for me, they are still something for me to address.  Just like the laundry closet and craft areas in my house.  They are areas for me to attend to and though they are not urgent, they are still in my space and up to me to sort out, or discard or do something about.  They don't affect my day to day life, but at some stage, it will be time to clear in some way.

It was also time to note that with the shot and shock, gone too was the warmth of appreciation which I had woken to, knowing that my husband, Lionel, was looking after our toddler daughter, Elodie. 

Any contentment or feeling of satisfaction relating to the fact that I had been up at 7am and done usual morning routine things didn't feature enough to override any of that 11 o'clock experience.  I had made lunches, checked if my eleven and twelve year old daughters needed any help with getting school things or breakfast ready and supported the general activities and conversation of getting the family ready for their day before they left home for school.  Lionel left home with Elodie to get the girls to school and get a few errands done.  It had been a busy, productive and positive hour.  It had also been a perfect decision to get some more sleep as I had no appointments and was a bit sleep deprived from working late over a few nights.  I had no regret for my decision. I was glad to have the opportunity to sleep. 

But if my mind and body can have such an intense experience when there is NO actual sense of wrong, bad or error, then how much bigger or how different is this emotional experience when things are actually wrong somehow?! Where did this all come from? and do I need to know anything about the past in order to make a change to this body reaction which happens too often?

Sometimes people wonder or ask what do I do? or where do I even get the ideas for the emotional health pathways I create for people.  Well, here it is - it usually starts from a point of dis-ease.  Sometimes in myself, like in this example.  Other times when seeing or feeling experiences of dis-ease in others and those moments of imposed pain, unkindness or poor behaviour as experienced by myself or others.  It is these questions that usually are the start of my finding or creating a series of paths on my emotional health map.  This map is now a very large document which I hope one day will be organised and labelled in such a way as to be a reliable and convenient directory.  Not because people can't do it other ways, or even make their own way, not because there won't be many versions potentially - but simply because it is what I have been working on for a long time.  People can become healthier and improve the quality of their relationships, their behaviours and communication on their own.  However, it can be much easier using an existing framework to get started.  Even though I know Adelaide reasonably well, I still use hard copy street directories as well as the slightly annoying but sometimes more convenient GPS system when driving.  It doesn't mean I don't do it my own way sometimes, but just as often those tools give me direction, bearing and even the detail needed to get somewhere.

I'm curious about this as yet undiscovered terrain.  Without using other tools or survey equipment, I'm looking forward to the discovery and mapping out of how to return to our natural baby calm, regardless of the layers of learning, habit and biology that have brought me to my current state.  I'll let you know when I come upon the simpler path.  Until then, maybe you can let me know if this is ever your experience ... or whether you think I'm alone on a single passenger freak ride!

Conscious Eating - Expectations can be a killer! (Part 4)

This past few weeks I was looking at the power of expectation when it comes to eating, the relationship with food and then body weight & shape change.

I didn't think I had an expectation linked to weight and shape, especially as any changes I've made to date have been more focused on me discovering more about my relationship rather than heading towards any results.  However, one of my discoveries has been that as a result of knowing that I am eating less food overall, I do have an expectation that my body weight will decrease.  How do I know there is some power to that expectation? Well, simply one morning, upon stepping on the scales, I was not any different to the few days before and there was a body sensation of some sort.  Perhaps disapproval, perhaps disappointment - I don't know and it wasn't something I was going to act to so I didn't look into it anymore.  However, the key feature was there had been expectation and I didn't expect that!

I don't see expectation as a bad thing.  I don't think it is any worse or better than hearing a weather prediction or anticipating what someones reaction will be when you tell them something.  However, expectation seems to come with added power.  Expectation seems to take an idea of what something will be and adds success or failure to the experience.  By adding a measure of positive or negative, a good and a bad to an experience it adds weight to the end result.  Giving it power - or is the more suitable word, force.  The concept of anticipation is similar - looking towards a certain outcome or happening and experiencing an edge while waiting for a delight to unfold.  Anticipation, like expectation can come with disappointment and sadness, however the difference is that expectation seems to have a measure to it. As though one way would have been right, and the other was wrong.   

It is in this way that expectation can be a killer.  A killer of dreams, goals and action.  It can silently kill possibility by gradually strangling, gradually reducing the oxygen which would usually keep an idea alive.  Expectation can act in sudden death too, when the disappointment and feeling of failure combines into something which feels so bad and so painful that hopelessness overides any action or movement.  Expectation can certainly be a killer, but this is more because of how we have come to feel it, use it and experience life with it.  

So why is this of interest?  Well, when it comes to self compassion and love, any emotional experience that occurs with a judgemental undertone is of interest to me.  It immediately alerts me to a mind and body expression which has been learnt, is likely to have been effective using fear or creating a "you are less" picture.    In addition, it is of interest because just like any other emotional and energetic experience there are at least two sides to the metaphorical coin.  A useful side and perhaps the 'light', as well as the 'dark'.  Anger for instance can be damaging, justification for aggression and a red mist that lands on and overwhelms everything in its path. However, it can be one of the best fuels for decisive action and it has the power to facilitate clarity of perspective but this cannot happen without practice.  So too expectation can be a driver rather than a judge. See Driving Miss Daisy rather than Judge Judy!  Quite a contrast isn't it?!

When it comes to changing weight or shape - this is how it applies to me.
I learnt that I had an expectation relating to changing body weight.  I expected loss or lower numbers to feature over time.  I know that on its own, having a measure, can be helpful.  However, linking it to success or failure is not helpful.  So, I took some time to consider what is the body weight change that I didn't realise I expected!?  and did it fit into how I live and what I choose to do in my daily life, relationships and interaction.

Upon taking a moment to reflect, I calculated that I had gained about 10 kgs between 2009 and 2012, and then another 10kgs over the last two years.  So my first question to myself was - Am I ok to lose as I gained?  gradually and around 300-500gms per month?
Which would mean accepting an equivalent release and using up of fat storage of around 5kgs/year.  Am I ok to take 4 years to return to the body weight I felt to be a starting point?
If yes - how differently would I see my daily experience with food, exercise, emotion and relationships as a result of a more honest and compassionate timeframe?

Admittedly, it took some moments of adjustment to look at things this way but what it definitely revealed were the food choices, lifestyle habits and adjustments which I constructed for more immediate gain or an outcome.  I am enjoying noticing these moments of expectation as they help me filter out the actions, decisions and thoughts I have around my relationship with food that link to good or bad, right or wrong and with purpose vs reflective of myself.

FOOD AND ACTION NOTES

Water.  I'm very affected by inconvenience and become another job to fit into my day.  I dont' mind filling or even refilling a water bottle but I DO mind having to go to the toilet an extra five to ten times a day!  Actually, it isn't going to the bathroom that is a problem on its own - it is the fact that I spend alot of my day with a 22month old and if I'm driving, I can't just run in to a toilet leaving her in the car.  Just going to a public toilet, and having to manage the little one, means I tend to 'hold on' in favour of getting home but there have been numerous close calls (ahem..or even overflows!) because heaven forbid I cough or sneeze without some opportunity to muscle prep!

Anyhoo ... that was the long way of saying ... the consequence of drinking more water is inconvenient  on many days, so I drink less.  When I'm at home this isn't so much of an issue.

I don't want dairy products as much as I thought.  I still love the creaminess and smoothness, particularly in ice cream, but I don't 'need' to have dairy as often as I thought I did.  This still really surprises me.  There are days now when I have only had a shot of milk with my morning coffee and that has been it!

I love the experience of eating some foods.  I love chips for their crunch and the textural disintegration.  I have flavour preferences but these are second or third place to the experience of crunching something down into a smushy noisy paste! and then enjoying just that moving about in my mouth.  The experience of crunching will completely override any awareness of hunger or nutrition or any decisions which have been made consciously.  It is like I go into a wonderfully calm 'me' world where others do not disturb me, bother or worry me.  These foods are ones I would need to monitor.  Just like a parent guides their children away and towards their meals and balance, so too I would need to parent myself with any foods that feature as "sensationally calming".  Unless and until I find another way to move through that.

And there are more thoughts, but I'll have to write again soon .... and in the meantime attend to my daughter (Elodie 22mths) and the boxes and clearing after moving in-house over the weekend.

Conscious Eating - 5 weeks have passed (Part 3)

Last week I was asked "Have you lost more weight?"

And my answer was "no, not this week’ and after a moment of offered sympathy I also said “no, I'm not disappointed"

Because this isn't my first objective. Yes. Along the way, I'd like my body shape to change and weight to reduce but first, after 40 + years, I'd like to learn a little about my motivations, desires and the foundation upon which the relationship with food has been established.
If this takes 6 weeks or 6 months, I don't mind. I enjoy discovery and I would rather know a little more about how my body works.  It has served me very well this whole time after all.  So rather than trying on diets for size or weight loss regimes or single impact foods (eg "Eat more cinnamon") or making larger lifestyle adjustments (eg vegan, gluten free etc) … only to find after the first few weeks of adjustment that they don't really fit me, my personality as well as my body. I'd rather a tailored Misia-fit, than cast offs and replicates - "Because I'm worth it" L'Oreal

Despite the power of advertising, it wasn’t hair and skin products which inspired me to do it this way. Neither is it a rebellion against the do it fast, do it hard programs out there.  It has been observation, personal experience and sadness that has made for this personalised, compassionate and self caring approach to inviting my body to reset and stabilize into its healthiest state. Inviting my physical form to learn what it can trust in me and my love for myself.

If you’re interested or curious about what the personal experiences, observations and sadness are? OR you just want me to write more (!) – then leave a note in the COMMENTS box below.

Fundamentals

·      Leaving a minimum of 3-4 hours between meals.  Allowing my liver time in between food intake, in order for maximum time for energy to be used in digestion, processing and general body action. 

·      Drinking water regularly although a bit less than before (see note below)

·      I eat food in the order I am feeling.  So if I feel like starting with watermelon and blueberries, I do.  If I feel like some icecream, I do. Most often I find that I am looking for savoury foods, not sweet.

·      I do not eat any food which I am ‘making do’ with and I have become very happy to wait a little longer in order to start my meal hour later to include that/those items.

Guide Points

·      I’m (still) leaving a minimum of 3-4 hours between meals. Extending to 6 hours on busy days.

·      I’m (still) enjoying meals within an hour timeframe.  Occasionally this extends into an hour plus five to thirty minutes when eating socially or with friends.

·      Drinking water regularly however only around one litre if I have a day out and about. I drink more when I’m at home or in places I have easy access to toilets!

·      Noticing what I feel like and when and checking that when I have something, does it actually satisfy me?

·      Still noticing how little dairy I actually am happy with. This still surprises me since I thought this was my essential daily food.

Body Awareness

In the first few weeks, I would look at the clock regularly to see whether time had passed and I would look forward to when I could eat next.  Just having the choice was somehow relaxing or calming.  In the last few weeks time has faded in focus.  In fact, 4 to 6 hours can pass quite easily now even during times where I am frustrated or bored or other feelings that previously nudged me towards a friendly familiar texture or taste.

That said, when I am looking to eat something at a time when I know I’m not hungry – I’ve noticed that it is more the texture, less about the taste.  I’ve noted this before, when eating chips for example.   

I absolutely LOVE the feeling of crunching and feeling the texture change from solid into mushy into liquid.   

I don’t have to be hungry to want that experience, and this week I was really wondering whether it is possible to identify what that experience is for me and if I can find another way to enjoy that OR is it one of those body experiences which one day I simply have to say “that is enough” and stop.

Rather like the “Chips and the Seagulls” story, some things cannot be weaned.  If you don’t know the story, COMMENT and I’ll write it in or find a link somewhere.

Oh! Just need to mention – that my body weight is changing again. It has been 109kg (morning weight) a few times over the week, or right on 110.0kg.  With the start of warmer days, this could just be because of water/hydration levels however I have changed the amount of caffeine I drink, which by contrast means there is less diuretic effect every day.

Forward Focus

I am going to increase my attention towards how much accidental consumption there is…if any.  I think that occasionally I pick something up in the kitchen eg a tray or my toddler daughters plate and simply pop the last pieces of corn or left over crepe into my mouth.  It is not conscious and I definitely have never counted that as eating, this is more habitual and with a view to clearing a plate/tray so that it can be put in the sink to be washed.  It is funny to me to see the contradiction between my own habits.  On one hand, I probably have 1 to 5 of these micro snacks during the day when I’m looking after the baby however, when I cook I rarely taste or snack, which I know is considered normal and expected of most cooks at some time.  I don’t know that this is a big deal, nor a significant calory intake issue because Elodie predominantly eats fruit and vegetables and I don’t snack on rice or noodles.  But we’ll see.

Besides this, I don’t have any further changes to the way I’ll approach the next few days and weeks.  For now, I’m still enjoying the discoveries and the complexity of the relationship.

The Disorientation of Growth

I love growth.  I love every element of growth.  Especially fresh growth.


One of my favourite trees is the Japanese maple.  It is deciduous and changes colour all through the year until it loses its leaves in winter, leaving a most beautiful shadow of branches and balance.
Of all the seasons, I love seeing this tree in the spring, as the bright fresh green leaves come through and make for a stunning contrast against the wood. And that is before the sun comes out!
When we see plants growing, we come to understand all the parts of growth.  As children we learn that plants start with a seed, and with the right amount of water, soil and temperature, the seed will start growing and come through the soil.  We learn quite quickly too that these little sprouts or seedlings are fragile.  If they are stepped on or not sheltered from the wind or the cold or get too much water or sun they can die quickly.  They need nurturing, not attack.

Even young plants can often do with a helping hand, some guidance whether in the form of a guide stick and some string or a milk carton, it can be compromised in its development at this early stage.
In both of these stages of growth, it really helps to keep the space free of hostile or more dominant plants which can take away the space, the nutrients and the light needed for these plants to grow.  The environment will make a big difference to the growth and development of your little plants.

In adult form some plants appear independant, needing nothing or noone! Whether provided by man or nature, others still benefit from a trellis or something to drape over in order to be most productive.
If you are hoping or waiting for fruit or vegetables to grow, there is even more need to pay attention to the conditions, the protection and the overall environment.  With the added challenge of active challenges like insects and birds who are also attracted to fruit and vegetables.

 None of this information so far is new. I know you know it already.

One thing however, which may feel new, is taking a moment to think about this growth as a life experience.  Let's move away from plants and to humans.

We too 'burst through' and arrive on this planet very fragile and very shocked.  As I referred to in a previous blog post "The amazing power of pressure",  I don't know that many of us would ever voluntarily leave this space if we didn't have to.
As parents, carers or simply a visiting friend, we all inherantly understand that this tiny human needs nurture and care.  If we were to give it some thought, we would easily see how this time is an overwhelming sensory experience for a baby.  Leaving constant food, warmth and shelter and now having to learn what the body is and how to do things like eat and move gas through the intestines!  From the scary to the confusing to the somewhat nice, it is a time of incredible growth but what a disorienting time it must be.

As we progress through our stages of childhood development into our human adult form, our physical growth slows down.  However growth continues in other equally amazing ways.  In many societies we encourage academic learning ie. active absorption of data and patterns and knowledge as gained from the past.  There are still societies where 'school' either doesn't exist or isn't a focus however learning about the environment and the patterns of nature is encouraged. Or the focus may be on learning and refining body movement and skills such as weaponry and markmanship for hunting.  All this to ensure the child is ready to take on the duties, roles and obligations within their societies working world, the one which must sustain and continue to provide for future generations.  Whether this is becoming a banker or mechanic or a hunter who needs to provide food for the tribe, our learning experience is based on repetition, exposure and trial and error in some form.

For some people, there is another learning pathway that opens up.  The path of self discovery, learning more about your self, the way you work not as a biological human but as an interactive being.  This path opens up and seems to lead us towards becoming of greater service or more fruitful during your lifetime. This learning, like school is sometimes imposed upon us in the form of harsh experiences or a condition which demands attention, not just 'going away' by making external changes.  For others it is a conscious choice, simply a knowing that there is more to learn or an interest which has to be satisfied.  This is referred to in many different ways - self development, personal growth, self discovery and so the titles continue.  Though there is not always a clear aim, there is usually a hunger, a yearning or calling to keep walking and keep moving.  For many people, even when they want to stop, they simply can't.  I'd imagine it is similar to being a plant which suddenly finds itself growing more and bearing fruit no less.  The poor avocado plant must go into shock when it suddenly finds itself doing way more than just being a tree after three or more years!


Anyway, back to people.  Why are we so harsh on ourselves as adults?
Is it that hard to imagine that personal growth is disorienting too?  It isn't just a baby that experiences the shock of a new environment, lights and noises become too bright and suddenly finding that getting food is a job, something to be learnt!  Toddlers and teenagers and suddenly entering a working world is just as disorienting.  Suddenly, even the familiar is no longer looking friendly.

It can be easy to forget, that it is all through life that growth finds us shedding things that need to be cleaned up. Clothes that are too small are no different from the leaves or bark that a tree leaves behind.  A teenager that is now gainfully employed fulltime, finds that they must shed their freedom of time as they have grown into a job which consumes time and they must act reliably rather than by their mood or feeling.  An adult who stops their full time soul draining job to become a travel blogger and writer, finds that they must give away some ideas, beliefs and illusions all the while stepping into their chosen and preferred path.  It can be as bewildering as it is exciting.

Certainly, it can be as bewildering as it is liberating.  Just as a flower opens up its petals to face the sun for the first time - the experience of growth is an amazing one but we must be kinder, gentler on ourselves and others and allow ourselves time to adjust to the new moments.  Understanding, just like the baby, we too can feel disoriented and overwhelmed in the first times of an experience, even if we are perfectly ok.

Eating - A conscious life experience (Part 2)

It is a Friday night and I am thinking it is a good time for an update 

(since Conscious Eating (start))

To start, I am going to wind time back another week, to last Friday when my oldest daughter was playing summer season netball.  For those who don’t know, netball is a winter sport so the summer season is a ‘light’ version.  A chance for players to keep their skills and fitness up.  Kind of keeping their thumb in the pie but minus the extra bits like cream, garnish, fruit and whatever else usually goes with a pie.  But I’m talking about netball, right?

Anyway, here I am, I got to the courts and delivered Elliot to the courts in time for warm up and sitting in the café eating chips and gravy with a coffee.

I had had a later lunch between 1.30 & 2.30pm, so at 7pm I was a little hungry but I could easily have waiting until I got home around 8.30 or 9pm.  So, why had I arrived here and suddenly wanted to have something to eat?!

I know that part of the influence was environmental, sitting down in the eating space where the most popular purchases were ... surprise surprise  ... hot chips and coffees.  So this, coupled with a bit of hunger and wanting to have a bit of 'time out' all came together nicely.  What I know however, was that the bigger part of what drove my actual decision to buy chips and coffee was wanting to sooth myself.

Self soothing is such a big topic and one I often explore within myself, with others and particularly when helping parents with the little people in their life.  It is complex because soothing isn’t as simple as "do something - it's all better".  No cough drop solutions here - Open it, suck it and its all better.

It really does depend on what is hurting or what part of you is feeling affected.  Is it grumpiness? Or being pouty at not getting to do what you wanted? Is it feelings hurt because someone was mean or shocked you by their action? Or is it yearning for something that is a bit out of reach? Is it feeling alone or empty? Or is it all that and more?

In MiMo, a communication model which provides a framework for a healthy way to talk, the first level is simply called ‘needs’ and focuses on the baby.  When we think of a baby, we understand that we are seeing and hearing communication in the simplest form.  A baby cries and a person can choose to respond.  But responding doesn’t guarantee a calming outcome.  You don’t always know straight away what the little one needs.  Sometimes they want more food, sometimes they need less light or heat.  They may be looking for some play or stimulation but after not even 6 seconds, they may be ready for something more calming.  Finally, and as most parents and carers know, a lot of time is spent rocking, bopping and helping the little one find their calm.

This can be challenging especially when you have other things you want to do in life like go to the toilet! answer a phone call or were desperately hoping for more sleep.  Add to that, the worry many adults have about creating dependency which then leads them to withdraw soothing solutions in order to encourage their children, their babies to become stronger.  But rather like taking stitches out too early, it doesn’t help to take something away before a hurt has healed.

How much do we do this to ourselves? How impatient are we with ourselves to just ‘get over it’ but as a result, we cheat ourselves of time needed to just rest and heal.  Losing honesty of self, missing opportunities to express grumpy, sad, bored and all the rest as well as having soothing time replaced with lots of alternatives such as food or some other distraction.  

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been focusing on what I feel when I look for food at times when I’m not hungry.  Which emotions find me looking for food as a soother?  I know that being angry or frustrated may call for venting or soothing by distraction, however definitely not food.

For me, it is more likely being sad or feeling like I’m in service which isn’t in balance with service for myself.  As my approach to self care improves, and I learn how to respond to my cries and whimpers over the course of the day, not only more accurately but also to the time needed rather than rushing myself through, I am feeling this will go some way to changing if not reducing the frequency with which I look for a pacifier.

MISIA'S GUIDE POINTS

1. Continuing the guide points from my last post. Including the 1 serve only of dairy/day​ however I have found that I am not being drawn to dairy as often as I thought was my desire.

2. Water anytime and always. Although I have returned to a 1-2L quantity rather than 3L.  This is partly to do with access to water to refill, partly due to longer time elapsing between refills because I get busy and another factor is not always having easy access to a toilet (because of my 22 mth old being with me) and just not wanting so many toilet stops!

​FUNDAMENTAL

* Enjoying what I eat.  Which has meant often not doing anything else except eating. No television or work or even eating alongside my youngest daughter, because it is so easy to become mindless.  Before I know it a bowl of food can be eaten and I won’t feel that I’ve had anything. 

BODY AWARENESS
In case you’re wondering – but has she lost any more weight?

Well, this time the answer is no.  My scales will sometimes settle somewhere in the 109.something range, however not enough for me to say there is a loss of weight over this past 10 days.

My body does feel different somehow.  Maybe it is because I’m more hydrated but some of my skin areas feel softer.  I don’t think I’ve changed shape however I have been curious what changes have been happening internally.

Probably the main difference has been feeling completely fine and not even having a thought for food for longer stretches of time. So, my tummy isn’t squishing in such a way as to get my attention. 

In addition, in between food, I notice the taste of my saliva a lot more.  It is more sweet than savoury. I usually notice it when I am drinking from my water bottle because I have to suck in order to draw it out and as there is a bit of pressure, it draws out saliva in the process.

FORWARD FOCUS
Over the next couple of weeks I will continue with my explorations and discoveries. 

I’m curious to know what type of food I am most drawn to, now that dairy has reduced its pull.

If you have any questions, feel free to post a comment or question

Conscious eating - some first steps (Start)

In Sept 2​016 I had become 112kgs (morning weight consistent over a month)

 

I had become aware that whatever I was doing and was a part of my life had contributed to an increase of a little bit extra every​ month since Mar, maybe even last year. ​  I had been 106-108kg earlier in the year.

Although I am aware and knowledgeable about lots of dietary, health, exercise principles and even the maths of body physiology, I'm also very much a believer in the power of our own emotional state and how our interactions with ourselves and others contribute to our body shape and weight experience (module: Emotional Health part 1)​

That means that there are some things that I believe about body shape and weight, that not everyone would agree with.  This includes that I believe that if someones emotional diet (module: Emotional Diet) isn't worked out in the best interest of the individual, then their physical activity and food diet​ isn't going to help too much.  Sure, they can lose a few kilos, become more muscular and toned or take on a lifestyle label which gives a sense of success, better health or at the least a better appearance to others.

The wonderful thing is that it is completely in our hands and a mystery at the same time. The frustratingly horrid thing is that it is completely in our hands and a mystery at the same time.

So, a few weeks ago I started on a body focus time. This is challenging for me because body shape and weight are not a priority in my life. Neither are clothes or aesthetics or fashion a part of my top three personal values (activity: knowing your action values) Never have they been, and unlikely to ever be as it isn't in my best self to act to without feeling depleted or drained (energise module from reframe program - "Can't is born")

After 2 weeks of conscious eating I'm 2 kilos lighter

I'm enjoying the learning that I may be walking a 'good for me' path and if I keep checking, feeling, responding and acting in the way I have been over the last two weeks, it may form a good foundation for a future, less conscious action pathway.  A way of living for my next 20 years which suits my body, my lifestyle and my energetic life.

​A friend asked whether congratulations were in order and I loved the question because it brought to my awareness that I don't feel as though this time is a celebration.  However, a "that's exciting" or "wow, you may be onto something" would be perfect.  A joyful time of seeing that my action responses and honesty within myself are stronger and clearer.

I'm enjoying feeling calm, happy and hopeful. 

All this is well and good but what did I actually do to make a difference over the last two weeks. Here were some of my guide points, a way of gaining focus during the moments when things were going to get blurry and governed by my emotional habits of 20+ years.

I'm curious about how these guide points will change, blend or move around over the next weeks and months.

MISIA'S GUIDE POINTS

1. Continuing 1 serve only of dairy/day​   

** the choice of dairy was made after I determined what I am most regularly drawn to.​

2. Ensuring food consumption happens within an hour eg. 8-9am

3. Min 2hrs before any other food happens (no drinks exc water)

4. Water anytime and always. Be ready to refill bottle 8-12 times

5.VERY Important: Everytime I feel hungry or snacky...basically anytime I want to have something to eat, take a mental moment to ask myself what am I really wanting.

​
5A. Do I want something specific? eg. To be talking with a friend or reading a book or watching a film or tidying up the car.
Or if unclear
5B) D​o I want to having a certain feeling? Cared for? Needed? Loved? Funny and playful?
And then with that knowing in me...not acting to it.  Just feeling.

​FUNDAMENTALS

* Whenever sitting down to eat - whether a snack or a meal. ALWAYS choose what I feel like.  If I feel like meat and icecream. GREAT!. If I feel like a huge crunchy salad with a bit of chicken. GREAT! If I feel like cheesy nachos. GREAT! 

* Remember to enjoy every mouthful of what you are eating.

If you start something that isn't hitting a spot. stop. save it for later, give it someone else or throw it out.  There is no point you becoming the rubbish bin

* ​If there is any moment that success or failure, disappointment or excitement gets stirred up.  Take that learning to move into awareness about loss, sadness or gain.  Make a note of any recurring moments like this.

BODY AWARENESS
Along the way I wanted to pay attention to a part of me I don't pay much attention to.
My physical body.
The most I tend to do on a daily basis is check if I am comfortable, literally feeling comfortable in my clothes.  I choose stretchy and fluffy fabrics and prefer soft natural fibres, probably as a form of feeling warm and fuzzy inside (module: self soothing) however, it doesn't guarantee looking good or fashionable.  I just don't have the eyes to work out whether what I'm wearing looks good, although I can easily be aware of the things I don't necessarily like in what I see in the mirror.
What I was curious about was what sensations or experiences I would notice and remember over that time.
Here are the ones that stayed with me.
* I enjoyed an increase of turning movement, which meant my arms could reach further round the back of me.  
* I would sometimes feel a tickly squirty pulsing feeling to the left of my ribcage and top left
tummy area. Though strange it wasn't uncomfortable and would happen a few hours after eating.
* My bladder seems to refill at an incredible rate!

FORWARD FOCUS

So I am going to continue with curiosity and increased physical awareness.

I'm wondering what the next two weeks will bring.  If any new sensations come to my awareness I'll be making notes.  Also, I'll be paying attention to the emotional stirrings that arise.
When changing a relationship of any sort, there can be revelations or stirrings which surprise us. 

No experts needed!

If you prefer listening rather than reading, click on the video instead.

What is the deal?  Why is it so important for everyone to be a Master, Guru or Expert these days?!
What is the problem with just being yourself and letting the rest make its own sense, its own connection with others?

Do we really need people to have secondary labels highlighting an elevated status.  You can't just be someone who drives, you have to be an expert driver.  What does that even mean?  When you meet Nick and find out he has renovated three houses, that information on its own is of less value unless someone introduces Nick as a Master Renovator.  Is that right? Josie - Chef Extraordinaire is someone important but Josie, a person who cooks for a family of 5 daily as well as catering to years of family functions, not so much!

How do you even choose your best title?  If Martin can no longer just love making and baking cupcakes to be regarded as someone good at it, is he better as a Baked delights Expert or Cupcake King? 

Extending beyond the tangible world of renovations and cupcakes, even people employed to follow couples or families on televised happiness journeys are no longer good enough in their usual title "Psychologist". They are transformed into superior quality "Relationship Experts".  A gardener who decides to publish a blog and inspire others with their challenges and successes in the garden is now a Guru Gardener.  What happened?  If the passion and consistency was there before, was it going on a televised show or going online that made them so much better than anyone else watching? Or is it all just desperation? a need to somehow get noticed and more attention?

When a person moves from doing what they do well, to a personality who is going to deliver information and passion combined on a tv, radio or other media pathway - is there a worry that they won't be revered enough?  Is it desperation that makes the person not good enough? Their job not fancy enough?  So - adding the extra word in the title, does that person suddenly become more liked, revered and respected.  Add a heightening, lifting or set apart word to the persons name or description and the public will like them more.  Want to watch or read them more.  Trust them more.  Is that the competition now?  Trust Matt more than Andy.  Think Sophie is a better cook than Jo.  Does anyone really know what this obsession is for?
Greater credibility? More trust? or something to do with being liked more?
Anyone who writes a book is an author extraordinaire or bestseller.  Anyone who has a blog is a travel expert or technology guru. Whatever the personality, whatever the focus - that individual becomes 'the best'.

It would appear that there is a problem with simply being you.  Happily and contentedly yourself, being the best you can be in that moment without an additional tag or label.  Certainly, we all have incredible strengths and skills and if they are on display or shared in some way, people will experience that and feel it, know it.  Is the label necessary?  Do we trust that person more because they are a Master renovator, relationship expert or dessert king?  Do we? really?
Do we listen more? Do we learn or copy more because of the label?  I'm sure there is a study somewhere that says we do.  However, like some pharmaceutical studies out there - is it the hidden or unreferred data that also shows that after a period of 'working', there comes a time where the drama doesn't work anymore?!

I have a feeling that these descriptions are not working to attract more people anymore.  I have a few of my own thoughts.

Imagine that in the future, no single person needed to be better, stronger, larger or more awesome in order to impress anyone nor to attract more people to their product, platform or youtube channel.  Imagine that we could have a title, a heading, a catch cry - as soon as we knew our strength, our service and how we wished to connect with others or complete our services, our jobs.
So, Bob the gardener would be just as perfect as Tina Dog walker, and just as good to know that Mira, Pet carer or George, home problems solver were there to call on.   No experts needed, simply people who by doing what they love are being of perfect service to anyone they work with.  In this way, they gain experience and become better, stronger and stay on track.

Let us get the thesaurous out and find some more words which can elevate but also potentially integrate more truth and integrity into the title.    Is it possible that combining facts with honesty and may generate more genuine trust in an audience, a reader or viewer?  
Admittedly it may need a bit of testing, to check if it sits right with you.  However at the end of the day it may be that integrity stays with you for the long haul, leaving the buzz of drama way behind.
So Nick - The Tall Renovator - likes renovating places and stands over 6'3 TICK
Mari - The Meal Maker - Makes family style meal and events too - TICK
Jo - Relationship Fixer - Psychologist loves fixing relationships - TICK


What about you? What would your real title be?
I'm thinking that for most of us, not being specialist queens, kings, gurus or extraordinnaires, we probably don't wonder or worry too often about our title. Quite often we are happy enough with the title our job gives us - teacher, doctor, nurse, accountant and so it goes on. But if you did - what would you like it to say?

I don't have to be the Best Mum Ever to be happy.  I'm happy knowing my daughter likes me being her mum and talks to me as someone she can trust, share grumpy times or challenging times with while knowing she is loved, listened to and supported by me.
My focus in life and with my children has always been to support the individual, their strengths, their inner selves and their emotional wellbeing. I would even look forward to a different range of products based on appreciation rather than elevation.  Forget the "Best Mum Ever" mug, I'd feel content seeing my daughter choose to make a travel mug, used every day, with one of my photos on it simply labelled 'mama'. 

2016! A cheeky monkey of a year!

As I see it! or in the case of 2016 - As I feel it!

This year will move incredibly quickly.  When opportunities to make decisions arise, there will not be time to sit, contemplate and ponder on the options.  This year will call on all you have already learnt, all you already know and all that you already are.  This makes for an incredible opportunity to really gain clarity in understanding who you are and what you do know and want.  This can be exciting and exhilarating and potentially let you feel as though all the hard personal work of previous years has been worth it.  However, for some people, the realisation that all the hard work has only just scratched the surface of living true and living whole, can leave you feeling empty, bewildered and perhaps despairing because if that wasn't the end, then what is?
So, let us look a little more to the energy in the year before looking further at its impact on you.
The energy of this year will be dynamic and positive.  It will also be forceful and intolerant.  It will make demands on individuals to act, be and live true to what they have thought and spoken about.  There is also a mischief in the air.  This will only play out when or if an individual has been playing with themselves, saying one thing while acting another, doing one thing while tell others or themselves something different.  In the event of contradiction, the energy of the year will build and swirl to reveal these contradictions and poke and play with the individual, only for as long as the contradiction exists.  With allignment or upon making a clearer decision, the energy will move away and play elsewhere.  It is not a troublesome time - but just like a self propelled broom or duster, it will only stay around where things are dusty, unclear and jumbled.
The year of the monkey has quite a monkey in it.  Just like a clever 4 year old, it has the ability to uncover, find and keep its little fingers busy.  It will be drawn to problems, piles and positions of instability and mess, even previously hidden mess, to simply play and pull it apart.  Bringing it to your attention, all for the benefit of tidying up and clearing the way for more important and significant things.  For people who have been avoiding or wishing things will just go away, this may make the first few months of the year feel exposed and erratic and may leave you wondering what you've done to change the ease and stability which you had set up.  It may be that no issue was consciously hidden, it just happened to hide over time and then perhaps become forgotten in between the other parts that make up life.  So it is your life perspective that will make all the difference.
If you see life as suddenly out of control and 'happening' to you, then all or any of these exposures will feel sudden, unwelcome and bewildering.  For those who have the perspective that things are scary and changes are bad until understood, you may feel flung between desperate and energised to try and get things sorted as quickly as possible, to despairing and almost depleted of energy in not knowing what to do or when.  You may end up calling on old habits and old ways of feeling better or distracted, only to find that these ways don't make you feel as they used to.  In the end, you may just end up "keeping on, keeping on" in the hope it will all settle and pass.  By August and September, you can be guaranteed that things will feel better, but not for any other reason except that time has passed and what was chaotic and unstable, will simply now be the norm.
If you want a new norm which appeals to you and your life preferences, this year, you will have to make decisions, act clearly and be consistent.  There is alot of energy in the year to help you create what you wish.  That same energy can also keep things in flux and unstable.  It is up to you how you use it.
So that brings me to the people with the other perspective on life.  That things do 'happen' however it is simply knowing how to respond, navigate and sometimes, how to bring out the positive, that helps life remain an experience and an education.  Sometimes simply knowing how a happening is or can be helpful or useful, is enough.  This isn't about turning everything in life into a positive.  There certainly can be times or events which are simply not a positive experience and no repetition will make it so.  Those same events can be painful and even leave emotional marks and scratches that feel raw and tender anytime you revisit the moment.  This year, those old moments may get reexposed, but stay open and aware of the change in your body, in your heart and in your view.
This year might see more exposure of the past then before, but only because if it doesn't happen to us, we are unlikely to choose a path back to pain.  So, keep a look out for the surprise of difference.
Keep a look out for surprises and different experiences to your expectation.  Especially on topics, issues and past experiences which you would have placed into the filing cabinet of past pain.  This year gives you an opportunity to see these past pains and refile them into less emotionally charged, and potentially more useful categories of lessons or memories.  You may even find that you don't need the story anymore.  This year allows you to practice refiling your own life.  With practice, by April, May you may need fewer reminders or jolts as you get quicker and feel less challenged re sorting your feelings about past experiences.  Can you re file? Can you let stories go, keeping the memory instead?  Are you ok when or if a memory is no longer needed?
This year however, is not only about revisiting or poking at the past.  This year is very supportive and energising towards discovery and bringing together the pieces, into pictures and pathways for the future.  If you have been wandering around over the last few years, increasing self awareness, developing connection and a sense of sprituality as well as strengthening in your ability to express and be yourself - then this year gives you an incredibly strong line of thread, to start bringing together your life picture together.  Beyond find pieces of a puzzle, this year supports the playful creativity required to bring a picture of your life, your choice together.  Though many parts of the year will be rushed and feel urgent, this creative space will float along separate to the urgency.  Like your own personal cloud which can, if you enjoy it, be a personal haven for your own life, your own craft space.  The upside is that it will be completely available and open to you, anytime.  However, it is not a community nor shared space.  It is not a life project space that is open to others, because it is just yours.  For people who still find they want the input of others to know who they are, this may leave you displaced and flung about.  To change this, you only need to ensure you can draw a line between group time and solo time, bringing a sense of comfort and 'being ok' to each space separately.

In summary, this year is a time for curiosity and discovery and play.  To remain stable and strong, you need to know what you want, who you are and where you are at.  There is no problem not having answers, but stress, fear or a desire to control things will not steer things in your direction.  Releasing these emotions will find you closer to calm....and this may take practice and be contrary to how you have lived.  Find your curiosity and your will easily find the answers and pathways which you have been looking for, for some time.

Let me know if you like reading about energetic reflections.

Best wishes.
Enjoy :)