My 'Good morning' Cocktail

The other morning, when I woke up, I turned my head to look at the clock and saw the numbers showing ‘eleven' something. My body chemistry changed within the instant.  Within moments I felt as though I had done something wrong.  I don't need to drink or bungy jump - my body knows how to deliver instant cocktail shots for free!

Even without knowing the exact chemicals that surged through my body, I recognized every experience.  Maybe one day I'll have them in some order, but for now here they are as I remember.

I was scared of something, even though I didn’t know of anything specifically scary in the moment.

I felt guilty, as though I had done something wrong

There was shame. A feeling of being bad in this world or for others in some way

I felt despair.  That feeling you get when you just want to shake your head while thinking ‘there is no way to make up for this?’

I felt sad.  I had lost something valuable to me, time.

I also felt shock.  The shock was the result of all these feelings coming at me so suddenly, so unexpectedly.  Shock and adrenaline to tell me there’s a problem and it’s happening now.

Gone! Within a split second, gone is any form of drowsy and peaceful waking.   

Gone! The momentary feeling of being refreshed and awake was gone! Weary hovered closer again.

Gone! Peace, calm and easy breathing replaced with alert eyes, shallow breathing and increased heartrate!

 

Well – GOOD MORNING MISIA! That shot certainly had me standing to attention.    

Unfortunately, this experience is uninvited but not unusual.  

I don't sleep until 11am often, so that is not the only trigger however I can recognise that it happens during many other times, not only at waking up but also when I've been relaxed or calm and suddenly realised I have forgotten something or lost track of the time.  It is comparable to being woken up to a gloved hand and a mysterious jab in the arm.

  

Like something in Downton Abbey, I could also hear a few other voices. The whispers and echos which come through the walls in susceptible moments.  Somehow, talking to me while talking to each other

“It would have been much better if you had gotten started a few hours ago” states a Disapproving self. There is no room for understanding, love or acceptance.  Self doubt raises its eyebrows and with one of those single raised head nods and grunts says "Yeah, she says she wants to work or get things done! Sleep really shows that!?”  I can hear the sarcasm.

I have had enough work and practice to not integrate or engage with those additional voices, to return to my own world and experience very quickly.  However, on this day I make note that those conversations are still there.  If they were neighbours I could dismiss them knowing that they were not part of my day nor my journey.  However, these are voices that still live within me, which means for me, they are still something for me to address.  Just like the laundry closet and craft areas in my house.  They are areas for me to attend to and though they are not urgent, they are still in my space and up to me to sort out, or discard or do something about.  They don't affect my day to day life, but at some stage, it will be time to clear in some way.

It was also time to note that with the shot and shock, gone too was the warmth of appreciation which I had woken to, knowing that my husband, Lionel, was looking after our toddler daughter, Elodie. 

Any contentment or feeling of satisfaction relating to the fact that I had been up at 7am and done usual morning routine things didn't feature enough to override any of that 11 o'clock experience.  I had made lunches, checked if my eleven and twelve year old daughters needed any help with getting school things or breakfast ready and supported the general activities and conversation of getting the family ready for their day before they left home for school.  Lionel left home with Elodie to get the girls to school and get a few errands done.  It had been a busy, productive and positive hour.  It had also been a perfect decision to get some more sleep as I had no appointments and was a bit sleep deprived from working late over a few nights.  I had no regret for my decision. I was glad to have the opportunity to sleep. 

But if my mind and body can have such an intense experience when there is NO actual sense of wrong, bad or error, then how much bigger or how different is this emotional experience when things are actually wrong somehow?! Where did this all come from? and do I need to know anything about the past in order to make a change to this body reaction which happens too often?

Sometimes people wonder or ask what do I do? or where do I even get the ideas for the emotional health pathways I create for people.  Well, here it is - it usually starts from a point of dis-ease.  Sometimes in myself, like in this example.  Other times when seeing or feeling experiences of dis-ease in others and those moments of imposed pain, unkindness or poor behaviour as experienced by myself or others.  It is these questions that usually are the start of my finding or creating a series of paths on my emotional health map.  This map is now a very large document which I hope one day will be organised and labelled in such a way as to be a reliable and convenient directory.  Not because people can't do it other ways, or even make their own way, not because there won't be many versions potentially - but simply because it is what I have been working on for a long time.  People can become healthier and improve the quality of their relationships, their behaviours and communication on their own.  However, it can be much easier using an existing framework to get started.  Even though I know Adelaide reasonably well, I still use hard copy street directories as well as the slightly annoying but sometimes more convenient GPS system when driving.  It doesn't mean I don't do it my own way sometimes, but just as often those tools give me direction, bearing and even the detail needed to get somewhere.

I'm curious about this as yet undiscovered terrain.  Without using other tools or survey equipment, I'm looking forward to the discovery and mapping out of how to return to our natural baby calm, regardless of the layers of learning, habit and biology that have brought me to my current state.  I'll let you know when I come upon the simpler path.  Until then, maybe you can let me know if this is ever your experience ... or whether you think I'm alone on a single passenger freak ride!