Old Relationships vs. Contemporary Interdependence
Traditional models of romantic relationships were often built on codependence, shaped by patriarchy and misogyny. In this model, one partner—typically the woman—was expected to serve without choice, while the other partner provided what they chose, when they chose, often without mutual negotiation or emotional accountability. (NOTE: this dynamic can play out in relationships between all genders). Good relationships were those which presented well and were not an embarrasment to society or the family and had little conflict. Bad relationships were ones which had conflict and 'aired their laundry' or were inappropriately expressive in public, meaning they made people uncomfortable.
This led to a culture of expectation, resentment, and conflict, where emotional needs were often dismissed or weaponized rather than shared and supported.
By contrast, contemporary relationships are increasingly rooted in interdependence—a model where the foundation is friendship, mutual respect, and shared humanity. This model invites us to:
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Recognize each other’s needs and strengths
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Take responsibility for our own emotional and practical well-being
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Support each other by choice, not obligation
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Create agreements based on gratitude, not expectation or demand
This shift invites a more mature, inclusive, and emotionally sustainable way of relating.
Needs Change—And So Must We
There’s a growing awareness that while our needs matter, so does our ability to understand and communicate them. This is a vital part of emotional maturity.
As adults, we are dynamic, not static. Who we are at 25 will differ from who we are at 45—emotionally, physically, mentally. If we don’t allow space for these evolving needs and shifts in identity within our relationships, we risk growing apart or turning against each other.
In an interdependent partnership, we don’t assume our partner will “just know.” Instead, we:
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Explore ourselves with honesty
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Communicate with compassion and clarity
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Adapt and grow, together and individually
Healthy partnership requires the ability to have non-aggressive, regulated, or honest-in-our-dysregulation discussions. Without this, the foundation of friendship erodes—sometimes through big ruptures, but often through:
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Emotional neglect
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Consistent dismissal of needs
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Aggressive reactions or silent shutdowns
Being emotionally accountable is not about perfection—it’s about presence, repair, and relational integrity.
Disability, Support, and the Danger of Presumed Roles
For many people living with disability, there can be a deep internal struggle when comparing themselves—or their relationships—to traditional models where one partner was fully supported and centered in the relationship. These models often came with the unspoken rule that one person’s preferences, rhythms, and needs dictated the flow of life together, while the other adapted or served without question.
In contemporary relationships, this expectation of care—especially around physical, mobility, or toileting support—can lead to deep shock and resentment if a partner withdraws from those roles or expresses the need for outside assistance or balance. But often, what’s at play isn’t the care itself—it’s the imbalance.
When one partner offers complete physical or emotional support, but doesn’t feel met or acknowledged in return, resentment grows. Not because care was given—but because reciprocity was missing, often due to presumption rather than communication.
This is why discussing support roles with curiosity—not assumption—is essential. Otherwise, people get hurt when needs shift, or when boundaries are expressed. True interdependence isn’t about denying care; it’s about sharing the labor consciously and making room for other sources of support when needed. This keeps love from turning into quiet bitterness.
Support is Not Obligation—It’s Conscious Care
One of the biggest shifts in this relational evolution is the redefinition of support. Many of us were taught, explicitly or implicitly, that a romantic partner is meant to provide the care needed to get us through life.
This belief is deeply rooted in codependent thinking—and while it’s not wrong to want support, it’s problematic when support becomes expectation, and care becomes entitlement.
For some people, the wounds of childhood perpetuate the laser focus on whether the partner is 'doing enough for them' which then justifies spirals of anger, hostility and teen like indignation rather than appreciating the care that is provided consistently and checking in with whether there is a need to reassess the provision of service from the partner.
In interdependent relationships:
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Support is not withdrawn as punishment
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Love is not turned on and off like a switch
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Nervous system dysregulation is not used to justify cruelty or detachment
Instead of saying, “I hate you because I feel bad,” we learn to say:
“I’m feeling disconnected and overwhelmed. This is a reflection of my internal state—not necessarily something you’ve done wrong. I need to tend to myself before I act in ways that damage our relationship.”
This is how we avoid the cycle of acting out, then apologizing later for harm we didn’t have to cause.
Why ‘The Five Love Languages’ Doesn’t Work for Everyone
I include a reference to this book and idea because of how many people and couples refer to these love languages as a way of showing their emotional literacy and advancement.
Let me say this plainly: I don’t believe in The Five Love Languages as a relational framework.
It was written by a white, financially secure, religious man, aimed at helping other men get their needs met by encouraging their wives to accept their roles and duties. It was a product of its time—and of a specific worldview.
As a starter tool, it has some value (see previous post why-5-love-languages-fail-us)
Because it can help begin the conversation:
What kind of attention feels meaningful to you? What do you naturally give? Where are the gaps?
But as a relational philosophy, especially for disabled or neurodivergent people, it falls apart.
A real relationship says: Let me know where you’re at today—not just who you were when we first met.
We are allowed to be dynamic. We are allowed to change. We are allowed to need different things at different times—and expect our relationships to be built on ongoing attunement, not just preset categories.
The Invitation: Love Through Friendship, Not Control
At the heart of all of this is an invitation:
To build our relationships on friendship, not performance. On curiosity, not control. On presence, not power.
It’s not about never needing others. It’s about asking, not demanding. Offering, not rescuing. And it’s about staying connected, even when things are hard.
In this new model, partnership is not about getting someone to meet every need—but about mutual support and honest relating, where both people are seen, respected, and free to be their evolving selves.
What kind of foundation are you building your relationships on?
If something in this piece has touched or challenged you, take a moment to reflect.
Your discomfort might just be your growth beginning.
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