Why do we treat human variation—or divergence from a norm—as if it’s a malfunction, rather than contextual transformation?
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Ice is not a failure of water. 🌊
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Steam is not a disorder of water.
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Rain isn’t a malfunction of clouds.
We recognise each of those states as valid. From childhood we are introduced to many forms of water learning that sometimes, as steam from a kettle, it can hurt. Other times, running around in a spray of water from a hose, is can be the most fun and yet, other days, as the rain falls on a day we hoped to go for a walk, it can just ruin our plans. But we don't fixate on getting rid of those states of water forever.
So, Why are we still talking about regulation and dysregulation as though one is right and the other is a problem and should be eliminated?
🧠 Dysregulation Is Not Bad. It’s Biological.
This is not a critique of how the term dysregulation came to be. That word served a purpose, helped build awareness, and gave language to a pattern. It can still be used.
But we’ve evolved. And it may no longer serve us to keep labeling what we feel and experience as something broken.
Because when we name something only in contrast to “good,” we stop learning from it.
We either try to evade, excise, or control it—never explore it.
Think of How to Train Your Dragon.
The dragons were seen as a problem for centuries—dangerous, wild, destructive—until someone said:
“What if they’re not the enemy? What if they’re just... living?”
🔍 Language Shapes Perception:
Join me for a moment - let's step out from the main hall of water analogies into the corridor!
Language is more than words—it’s how we map reality.
It doesn’t just describe what we see; it teaches us how to value what we see.
Think about the words disorder, dysfunction, or dysregulation.
These prefixes—“dys”, “dis”, “mal”, “un”—don’t just mark a change. They imply a problem. A fall from grace. A wrongness.
But what if these words are shaping how we see the entire spectrum of human experience?
Let’s take a moment to zoom out and consider this:
We don’t say “dyswater” for steam.
We don’t say “malwater” for humidity.
These are seen as states—not value-laden conditions.
There’s no assumed “good” or “bad” among ice, steam, or liquid—just transitions based on environment and context.
What about Available - Alert - Alarmed
These are descriptions. They do not provide detail about why or how this state exists. They leave room for every individual experience however they are a good indicator of what regulatory tools are likely to be needed or what skills need to be called on. No different to driving, in times of emergency and Alarm we will only call on what we have already practiced and know. We learn most when Available.
⚙️ The Nervous System: Still Vital, Still Intelligent
Let’s explore nervous system states not as good/bad, but as responsive, natural, and intelligent.
1. Rest and Digest: The Regenerative State
(What most people call “regulated”)
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Parasympathetic nervous system leads
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Slower heart rate, deeper breath
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Digestion and bonding activate
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Learning, healing, and connection happen
This is a beautiful state. But it's not the only valuable one.
2. Protect and Act: The Responsive State
(Too often labeled “dysregulated”)
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Sympathetic nervous system takes the wheel
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Adrenaline, cortisol rise
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Alertness spikes, digestion slows
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The body gears up for fight, flight, freeze, or fawn
This isn’t a malfunction.
It’s the body responding to threat or stress in the most precise way it knows how.
Some people flip between these states rapidly. That doesn’t mean they’re failing—it means their safety radar is working overtime.
💡 Feeling Is Not the Problem
Let’s say it clearly:
Feeling is not dysregulation. Feeling is information.
It’s your body talking—not just to the world, but to you.
The nervous system isn’t betraying you. It’s reporting back.
So instead of saying, “Why am I like this?”
We might begin to ask, “What am I learning from this?”
Somewhere it is written that emotion is Energy in Motion (E-motion) and if you can recognise how that energy was generated and ensure it moves through us, then it can make for an easier life. Others will refer to the somatic experience and how to facilitate body movement so as to maintain emotional balance and stability.
🧬 The Two Generational Wounds
1. Panic Instead of Presence
Many of us were never taught to feel without fear.
We learned that emotions were:
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Punishment
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Chaos
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Weakness
We were taught to shut them down. But here’s the cost:
What we shut down, we can’t learn from.
Even in medicine, healing comes not from suppressing the illness, but studying it. Control can buy time. Excision can eliminate a problem from view but
Presence is what starts the healing—not avoidance.
2. Performing Peace: Disconnection as Safety
A lot of people—consciously or not—have taught themselves and their children to:
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Numb out
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Pretend
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Suppress
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Perform calm
Why? Because the world rewards it.
Certainty sells. Politeness is safe. (and if we were being cynical, commercialism relied upon it)
But underneath it, something cracks.
Because true safety doesn’t come from pretending. It comes from being with what’s real.
🔄 Humans Aren’t Just Reactive—We’re Reflective
Animals react.
Humans can reflect.
We can learn to:
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Track our nervous system
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Name what’s happening
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Support our own shifting states
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Increase our capacity, not our control
This isn’t about becoming “regulated.”
It’s about becoming more available—to ourselves, to others, to life.
🌱 Adults Change Too
We understand that kids change:
Infant → toddler → teen. We support them accordingly.
But adults change too—and across 50+ years of adulthood!
And yet there’s almost no recognition, modeling, or infrastructure for adult nervous system growth.
We grow, adapt, and respond. But support? It’s scarce.
🪞 Modeling Matters
You wouldn’t expect a child to read if they’d never seen a visual representation of their words. So too, we can't expect children to navigate, regulate or manage emotion beyond what they see adults do.
So why do we expect them to manage their nervous systems without ever seeing us do it?
If we tell a child “you're flipping your lid” but we never name our own overwhelm, what are we expecting? If we never model consistently a return to Available after being Alert or Alarmed - then it is no wonder they are left confused, or worse, invalidated.
Catchy phrases can’t replace lived modeling.
Show, Don’t Just Say
They need to see:
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Overwhelm named with care
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Regret acknowledged
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Recovery modeled
Not perfection. But presence.
Suggested Shift in Language 🔁🧾
Instead of dysregulation, try:
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Responsive state
"I'm overwhelmed, I need to focus on regulation for a few minutes"
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"I'm feeling protective, this makes me less available right now"
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Refer to being Available or Alert or Alarmed. These maintain privacy.
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I'm in Alert mode, give me a few minutes to take a look through my concerns
These phrases offer description, not judgment.
They invite curiosity, not correction.
They maintain connection while facilitating accountability.
Language matters.
Let’s make space for better ones. ✨
🧭 From Control to Curiosity
Dysregulation is not failure.
It’s not bad behavior. It’s not a shameful flaw.
It’s the body doing what it knows best.
It’s your system responding in context—like steam in the heat or ice in the cold.
We don’t try to fix steam.
We don’t fear humidity. (well, I dread it but that is because I'm a mild winter person!)
We just understand: It’s still water.
Still vital. Still necessary.
What if we treated human states the same way?
What if we stopped naming our responsiveness as wrong—and started honoring it as truth?
Let’s stop trying to control the tide, and start listening to the current.
Because nervous system responsivity isn’t something to regulate out of existence.
It’s something to understand, support, and respect.
Regulation is the practice of acting to or moving between a Regenerative and a Responsive nervous system state.
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