Conscious Eating - Expectations can be a killer! (Part 4)

This past few weeks I was looking at the power of expectation when it comes to eating, the relationship with food and then body weight & shape change.

I didn't think I had an expectation linked to weight and shape, especially as any changes I've made to date have been more focused on me discovering more about my relationship rather than heading towards any results.  However, one of my discoveries has been that as a result of knowing that I am eating less food overall, I do have an expectation that my body weight will decrease.  How do I know there is some power to that expectation? Well, simply one morning, upon stepping on the scales, I was not any different to the few days before and there was a body sensation of some sort.  Perhaps disapproval, perhaps disappointment - I don't know and it wasn't something I was going to act to so I didn't look into it anymore.  However, the key feature was there had been expectation and I didn't expect that!

I don't see expectation as a bad thing.  I don't think it is any worse or better than hearing a weather prediction or anticipating what someones reaction will be when you tell them something.  However, expectation seems to come with added power.  Expectation seems to take an idea of what something will be and adds success or failure to the experience.  By adding a measure of positive or negative, a good and a bad to an experience it adds weight to the end result.  Giving it power - or is the more suitable word, force.  The concept of anticipation is similar - looking towards a certain outcome or happening and experiencing an edge while waiting for a delight to unfold.  Anticipation, like expectation can come with disappointment and sadness, however the difference is that expectation seems to have a measure to it. As though one way would have been right, and the other was wrong.   

It is in this way that expectation can be a killer.  A killer of dreams, goals and action.  It can silently kill possibility by gradually strangling, gradually reducing the oxygen which would usually keep an idea alive.  Expectation can act in sudden death too, when the disappointment and feeling of failure combines into something which feels so bad and so painful that hopelessness overides any action or movement.  Expectation can certainly be a killer, but this is more because of how we have come to feel it, use it and experience life with it.  

So why is this of interest?  Well, when it comes to self compassion and love, any emotional experience that occurs with a judgemental undertone is of interest to me.  It immediately alerts me to a mind and body expression which has been learnt, is likely to have been effective using fear or creating a "you are less" picture.    In addition, it is of interest because just like any other emotional and energetic experience there are at least two sides to the metaphorical coin.  A useful side and perhaps the 'light', as well as the 'dark'.  Anger for instance can be damaging, justification for aggression and a red mist that lands on and overwhelms everything in its path. However, it can be one of the best fuels for decisive action and it has the power to facilitate clarity of perspective but this cannot happen without practice.  So too expectation can be a driver rather than a judge. See Driving Miss Daisy rather than Judge Judy!  Quite a contrast isn't it?!

When it comes to changing weight or shape - this is how it applies to me.
I learnt that I had an expectation relating to changing body weight.  I expected loss or lower numbers to feature over time.  I know that on its own, having a measure, can be helpful.  However, linking it to success or failure is not helpful.  So, I took some time to consider what is the body weight change that I didn't realise I expected!?  and did it fit into how I live and what I choose to do in my daily life, relationships and interaction.

Upon taking a moment to reflect, I calculated that I had gained about 10 kgs between 2009 and 2012, and then another 10kgs over the last two years.  So my first question to myself was - Am I ok to lose as I gained?  gradually and around 300-500gms per month?
Which would mean accepting an equivalent release and using up of fat storage of around 5kgs/year.  Am I ok to take 4 years to return to the body weight I felt to be a starting point?
If yes - how differently would I see my daily experience with food, exercise, emotion and relationships as a result of a more honest and compassionate timeframe?

Admittedly, it took some moments of adjustment to look at things this way but what it definitely revealed were the food choices, lifestyle habits and adjustments which I constructed for more immediate gain or an outcome.  I am enjoying noticing these moments of expectation as they help me filter out the actions, decisions and thoughts I have around my relationship with food that link to good or bad, right or wrong and with purpose vs reflective of myself.

FOOD AND ACTION NOTES

Water.  I'm very affected by inconvenience and become another job to fit into my day.  I dont' mind filling or even refilling a water bottle but I DO mind having to go to the toilet an extra five to ten times a day!  Actually, it isn't going to the bathroom that is a problem on its own - it is the fact that I spend alot of my day with a 22month old and if I'm driving, I can't just run in to a toilet leaving her in the car.  Just going to a public toilet, and having to manage the little one, means I tend to 'hold on' in favour of getting home but there have been numerous close calls (ahem..or even overflows!) because heaven forbid I cough or sneeze without some opportunity to muscle prep!

Anyhoo ... that was the long way of saying ... the consequence of drinking more water is inconvenient  on many days, so I drink less.  When I'm at home this isn't so much of an issue.

I don't want dairy products as much as I thought.  I still love the creaminess and smoothness, particularly in ice cream, but I don't 'need' to have dairy as often as I thought I did.  This still really surprises me.  There are days now when I have only had a shot of milk with my morning coffee and that has been it!

I love the experience of eating some foods.  I love chips for their crunch and the textural disintegration.  I have flavour preferences but these are second or third place to the experience of crunching something down into a smushy noisy paste! and then enjoying just that moving about in my mouth.  The experience of crunching will completely override any awareness of hunger or nutrition or any decisions which have been made consciously.  It is like I go into a wonderfully calm 'me' world where others do not disturb me, bother or worry me.  These foods are ones I would need to monitor.  Just like a parent guides their children away and towards their meals and balance, so too I would need to parent myself with any foods that feature as "sensationally calming".  Unless and until I find another way to move through that.

And there are more thoughts, but I'll have to write again soon .... and in the meantime attend to my daughter (Elodie 22mths) and the boxes and clearing after moving in-house over the weekend.

Conscious Eating - 5 weeks have passed (Part 3)

Last week I was asked "Have you lost more weight?"

And my answer was "no, not this week’ and after a moment of offered sympathy I also said “no, I'm not disappointed"

Because this isn't my first objective. Yes. Along the way, I'd like my body shape to change and weight to reduce but first, after 40 + years, I'd like to learn a little about my motivations, desires and the foundation upon which the relationship with food has been established.
If this takes 6 weeks or 6 months, I don't mind. I enjoy discovery and I would rather know a little more about how my body works.  It has served me very well this whole time after all.  So rather than trying on diets for size or weight loss regimes or single impact foods (eg "Eat more cinnamon") or making larger lifestyle adjustments (eg vegan, gluten free etc) … only to find after the first few weeks of adjustment that they don't really fit me, my personality as well as my body. I'd rather a tailored Misia-fit, than cast offs and replicates - "Because I'm worth it" L'Oreal

Despite the power of advertising, it wasn’t hair and skin products which inspired me to do it this way. Neither is it a rebellion against the do it fast, do it hard programs out there.  It has been observation, personal experience and sadness that has made for this personalised, compassionate and self caring approach to inviting my body to reset and stabilize into its healthiest state. Inviting my physical form to learn what it can trust in me and my love for myself.

If you’re interested or curious about what the personal experiences, observations and sadness are? OR you just want me to write more (!) – then leave a note in the COMMENTS box below.

Fundamentals

·      Leaving a minimum of 3-4 hours between meals.  Allowing my liver time in between food intake, in order for maximum time for energy to be used in digestion, processing and general body action. 

·      Drinking water regularly although a bit less than before (see note below)

·      I eat food in the order I am feeling.  So if I feel like starting with watermelon and blueberries, I do.  If I feel like some icecream, I do. Most often I find that I am looking for savoury foods, not sweet.

·      I do not eat any food which I am ‘making do’ with and I have become very happy to wait a little longer in order to start my meal hour later to include that/those items.

Guide Points

·      I’m (still) leaving a minimum of 3-4 hours between meals. Extending to 6 hours on busy days.

·      I’m (still) enjoying meals within an hour timeframe.  Occasionally this extends into an hour plus five to thirty minutes when eating socially or with friends.

·      Drinking water regularly however only around one litre if I have a day out and about. I drink more when I’m at home or in places I have easy access to toilets!

·      Noticing what I feel like and when and checking that when I have something, does it actually satisfy me?

·      Still noticing how little dairy I actually am happy with. This still surprises me since I thought this was my essential daily food.

Body Awareness

In the first few weeks, I would look at the clock regularly to see whether time had passed and I would look forward to when I could eat next.  Just having the choice was somehow relaxing or calming.  In the last few weeks time has faded in focus.  In fact, 4 to 6 hours can pass quite easily now even during times where I am frustrated or bored or other feelings that previously nudged me towards a friendly familiar texture or taste.

That said, when I am looking to eat something at a time when I know I’m not hungry – I’ve noticed that it is more the texture, less about the taste.  I’ve noted this before, when eating chips for example.   

I absolutely LOVE the feeling of crunching and feeling the texture change from solid into mushy into liquid.   

I don’t have to be hungry to want that experience, and this week I was really wondering whether it is possible to identify what that experience is for me and if I can find another way to enjoy that OR is it one of those body experiences which one day I simply have to say “that is enough” and stop.

Rather like the “Chips and the Seagulls” story, some things cannot be weaned.  If you don’t know the story, COMMENT and I’ll write it in or find a link somewhere.

Oh! Just need to mention – that my body weight is changing again. It has been 109kg (morning weight) a few times over the week, or right on 110.0kg.  With the start of warmer days, this could just be because of water/hydration levels however I have changed the amount of caffeine I drink, which by contrast means there is less diuretic effect every day.

Forward Focus

I am going to increase my attention towards how much accidental consumption there is…if any.  I think that occasionally I pick something up in the kitchen eg a tray or my toddler daughters plate and simply pop the last pieces of corn or left over crepe into my mouth.  It is not conscious and I definitely have never counted that as eating, this is more habitual and with a view to clearing a plate/tray so that it can be put in the sink to be washed.  It is funny to me to see the contradiction between my own habits.  On one hand, I probably have 1 to 5 of these micro snacks during the day when I’m looking after the baby however, when I cook I rarely taste or snack, which I know is considered normal and expected of most cooks at some time.  I don’t know that this is a big deal, nor a significant calory intake issue because Elodie predominantly eats fruit and vegetables and I don’t snack on rice or noodles.  But we’ll see.

Besides this, I don’t have any further changes to the way I’ll approach the next few days and weeks.  For now, I’m still enjoying the discoveries and the complexity of the relationship.

The Disorientation of Growth

I love growth.  I love every element of growth.  Especially fresh growth.


One of my favourite trees is the Japanese maple.  It is deciduous and changes colour all through the year until it loses its leaves in winter, leaving a most beautiful shadow of branches and balance.
Of all the seasons, I love seeing this tree in the spring, as the bright fresh green leaves come through and make for a stunning contrast against the wood. And that is before the sun comes out!
When we see plants growing, we come to understand all the parts of growth.  As children we learn that plants start with a seed, and with the right amount of water, soil and temperature, the seed will start growing and come through the soil.  We learn quite quickly too that these little sprouts or seedlings are fragile.  If they are stepped on or not sheltered from the wind or the cold or get too much water or sun they can die quickly.  They need nurturing, not attack.

Even young plants can often do with a helping hand, some guidance whether in the form of a guide stick and some string or a milk carton, it can be compromised in its development at this early stage.
In both of these stages of growth, it really helps to keep the space free of hostile or more dominant plants which can take away the space, the nutrients and the light needed for these plants to grow.  The environment will make a big difference to the growth and development of your little plants.

In adult form some plants appear independant, needing nothing or noone! Whether provided by man or nature, others still benefit from a trellis or something to drape over in order to be most productive.
If you are hoping or waiting for fruit or vegetables to grow, there is even more need to pay attention to the conditions, the protection and the overall environment.  With the added challenge of active challenges like insects and birds who are also attracted to fruit and vegetables.

 None of this information so far is new. I know you know it already.

One thing however, which may feel new, is taking a moment to think about this growth as a life experience.  Let's move away from plants and to humans.

We too 'burst through' and arrive on this planet very fragile and very shocked.  As I referred to in a previous blog post "The amazing power of pressure",  I don't know that many of us would ever voluntarily leave this space if we didn't have to.
As parents, carers or simply a visiting friend, we all inherantly understand that this tiny human needs nurture and care.  If we were to give it some thought, we would easily see how this time is an overwhelming sensory experience for a baby.  Leaving constant food, warmth and shelter and now having to learn what the body is and how to do things like eat and move gas through the intestines!  From the scary to the confusing to the somewhat nice, it is a time of incredible growth but what a disorienting time it must be.

As we progress through our stages of childhood development into our human adult form, our physical growth slows down.  However growth continues in other equally amazing ways.  In many societies we encourage academic learning ie. active absorption of data and patterns and knowledge as gained from the past.  There are still societies where 'school' either doesn't exist or isn't a focus however learning about the environment and the patterns of nature is encouraged. Or the focus may be on learning and refining body movement and skills such as weaponry and markmanship for hunting.  All this to ensure the child is ready to take on the duties, roles and obligations within their societies working world, the one which must sustain and continue to provide for future generations.  Whether this is becoming a banker or mechanic or a hunter who needs to provide food for the tribe, our learning experience is based on repetition, exposure and trial and error in some form.

For some people, there is another learning pathway that opens up.  The path of self discovery, learning more about your self, the way you work not as a biological human but as an interactive being.  This path opens up and seems to lead us towards becoming of greater service or more fruitful during your lifetime. This learning, like school is sometimes imposed upon us in the form of harsh experiences or a condition which demands attention, not just 'going away' by making external changes.  For others it is a conscious choice, simply a knowing that there is more to learn or an interest which has to be satisfied.  This is referred to in many different ways - self development, personal growth, self discovery and so the titles continue.  Though there is not always a clear aim, there is usually a hunger, a yearning or calling to keep walking and keep moving.  For many people, even when they want to stop, they simply can't.  I'd imagine it is similar to being a plant which suddenly finds itself growing more and bearing fruit no less.  The poor avocado plant must go into shock when it suddenly finds itself doing way more than just being a tree after three or more years!


Anyway, back to people.  Why are we so harsh on ourselves as adults?
Is it that hard to imagine that personal growth is disorienting too?  It isn't just a baby that experiences the shock of a new environment, lights and noises become too bright and suddenly finding that getting food is a job, something to be learnt!  Toddlers and teenagers and suddenly entering a working world is just as disorienting.  Suddenly, even the familiar is no longer looking friendly.

It can be easy to forget, that it is all through life that growth finds us shedding things that need to be cleaned up. Clothes that are too small are no different from the leaves or bark that a tree leaves behind.  A teenager that is now gainfully employed fulltime, finds that they must shed their freedom of time as they have grown into a job which consumes time and they must act reliably rather than by their mood or feeling.  An adult who stops their full time soul draining job to become a travel blogger and writer, finds that they must give away some ideas, beliefs and illusions all the while stepping into their chosen and preferred path.  It can be as bewildering as it is exciting.

Certainly, it can be as bewildering as it is liberating.  Just as a flower opens up its petals to face the sun for the first time - the experience of growth is an amazing one but we must be kinder, gentler on ourselves and others and allow ourselves time to adjust to the new moments.  Understanding, just like the baby, we too can feel disoriented and overwhelmed in the first times of an experience, even if we are perfectly ok.

Eating - A conscious life experience (Part 2)

It is a Friday night and I am thinking it is a good time for an update 

(since Conscious Eating (start))

To start, I am going to wind time back another week, to last Friday when my oldest daughter was playing summer season netball.  For those who don’t know, netball is a winter sport so the summer season is a ‘light’ version.  A chance for players to keep their skills and fitness up.  Kind of keeping their thumb in the pie but minus the extra bits like cream, garnish, fruit and whatever else usually goes with a pie.  But I’m talking about netball, right?

Anyway, here I am, I got to the courts and delivered Elliot to the courts in time for warm up and sitting in the café eating chips and gravy with a coffee.

I had had a later lunch between 1.30 & 2.30pm, so at 7pm I was a little hungry but I could easily have waiting until I got home around 8.30 or 9pm.  So, why had I arrived here and suddenly wanted to have something to eat?!

I know that part of the influence was environmental, sitting down in the eating space where the most popular purchases were ... surprise surprise  ... hot chips and coffees.  So this, coupled with a bit of hunger and wanting to have a bit of 'time out' all came together nicely.  What I know however, was that the bigger part of what drove my actual decision to buy chips and coffee was wanting to sooth myself.

Self soothing is such a big topic and one I often explore within myself, with others and particularly when helping parents with the little people in their life.  It is complex because soothing isn’t as simple as "do something - it's all better".  No cough drop solutions here - Open it, suck it and its all better.

It really does depend on what is hurting or what part of you is feeling affected.  Is it grumpiness? Or being pouty at not getting to do what you wanted? Is it feelings hurt because someone was mean or shocked you by their action? Or is it yearning for something that is a bit out of reach? Is it feeling alone or empty? Or is it all that and more?

In MiMo, a communication model which provides a framework for a healthy way to talk, the first level is simply called ‘needs’ and focuses on the baby.  When we think of a baby, we understand that we are seeing and hearing communication in the simplest form.  A baby cries and a person can choose to respond.  But responding doesn’t guarantee a calming outcome.  You don’t always know straight away what the little one needs.  Sometimes they want more food, sometimes they need less light or heat.  They may be looking for some play or stimulation but after not even 6 seconds, they may be ready for something more calming.  Finally, and as most parents and carers know, a lot of time is spent rocking, bopping and helping the little one find their calm.

This can be challenging especially when you have other things you want to do in life like go to the toilet! answer a phone call or were desperately hoping for more sleep.  Add to that, the worry many adults have about creating dependency which then leads them to withdraw soothing solutions in order to encourage their children, their babies to become stronger.  But rather like taking stitches out too early, it doesn’t help to take something away before a hurt has healed.

How much do we do this to ourselves? How impatient are we with ourselves to just ‘get over it’ but as a result, we cheat ourselves of time needed to just rest and heal.  Losing honesty of self, missing opportunities to express grumpy, sad, bored and all the rest as well as having soothing time replaced with lots of alternatives such as food or some other distraction.  

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been focusing on what I feel when I look for food at times when I’m not hungry.  Which emotions find me looking for food as a soother?  I know that being angry or frustrated may call for venting or soothing by distraction, however definitely not food.

For me, it is more likely being sad or feeling like I’m in service which isn’t in balance with service for myself.  As my approach to self care improves, and I learn how to respond to my cries and whimpers over the course of the day, not only more accurately but also to the time needed rather than rushing myself through, I am feeling this will go some way to changing if not reducing the frequency with which I look for a pacifier.

MISIA'S GUIDE POINTS

1. Continuing the guide points from my last post. Including the 1 serve only of dairy/day​ however I have found that I am not being drawn to dairy as often as I thought was my desire.

2. Water anytime and always. Although I have returned to a 1-2L quantity rather than 3L.  This is partly to do with access to water to refill, partly due to longer time elapsing between refills because I get busy and another factor is not always having easy access to a toilet (because of my 22 mth old being with me) and just not wanting so many toilet stops!

​FUNDAMENTAL

* Enjoying what I eat.  Which has meant often not doing anything else except eating. No television or work or even eating alongside my youngest daughter, because it is so easy to become mindless.  Before I know it a bowl of food can be eaten and I won’t feel that I’ve had anything. 

BODY AWARENESS
In case you’re wondering – but has she lost any more weight?

Well, this time the answer is no.  My scales will sometimes settle somewhere in the 109.something range, however not enough for me to say there is a loss of weight over this past 10 days.

My body does feel different somehow.  Maybe it is because I’m more hydrated but some of my skin areas feel softer.  I don’t think I’ve changed shape however I have been curious what changes have been happening internally.

Probably the main difference has been feeling completely fine and not even having a thought for food for longer stretches of time. So, my tummy isn’t squishing in such a way as to get my attention. 

In addition, in between food, I notice the taste of my saliva a lot more.  It is more sweet than savoury. I usually notice it when I am drinking from my water bottle because I have to suck in order to draw it out and as there is a bit of pressure, it draws out saliva in the process.

FORWARD FOCUS
Over the next couple of weeks I will continue with my explorations and discoveries. 

I’m curious to know what type of food I am most drawn to, now that dairy has reduced its pull.

If you have any questions, feel free to post a comment or question

Conscious eating - some first steps (Start)

In Sept 2​016 I had become 112kgs (morning weight consistent over a month)

 

I had become aware that whatever I was doing and was a part of my life had contributed to an increase of a little bit extra every​ month since Mar, maybe even last year. ​  I had been 106-108kg earlier in the year.

Although I am aware and knowledgeable about lots of dietary, health, exercise principles and even the maths of body physiology, I'm also very much a believer in the power of our own emotional state and how our interactions with ourselves and others contribute to our body shape and weight experience (module: Emotional Health part 1)​

That means that there are some things that I believe about body shape and weight, that not everyone would agree with.  This includes that I believe that if someones emotional diet (module: Emotional Diet) isn't worked out in the best interest of the individual, then their physical activity and food diet​ isn't going to help too much.  Sure, they can lose a few kilos, become more muscular and toned or take on a lifestyle label which gives a sense of success, better health or at the least a better appearance to others.

The wonderful thing is that it is completely in our hands and a mystery at the same time. The frustratingly horrid thing is that it is completely in our hands and a mystery at the same time.

So, a few weeks ago I started on a body focus time. This is challenging for me because body shape and weight are not a priority in my life. Neither are clothes or aesthetics or fashion a part of my top three personal values (activity: knowing your action values) Never have they been, and unlikely to ever be as it isn't in my best self to act to without feeling depleted or drained (energise module from reframe program - "Can't is born")

After 2 weeks of conscious eating I'm 2 kilos lighter

I'm enjoying the learning that I may be walking a 'good for me' path and if I keep checking, feeling, responding and acting in the way I have been over the last two weeks, it may form a good foundation for a future, less conscious action pathway.  A way of living for my next 20 years which suits my body, my lifestyle and my energetic life.

​A friend asked whether congratulations were in order and I loved the question because it brought to my awareness that I don't feel as though this time is a celebration.  However, a "that's exciting" or "wow, you may be onto something" would be perfect.  A joyful time of seeing that my action responses and honesty within myself are stronger and clearer.

I'm enjoying feeling calm, happy and hopeful. 

All this is well and good but what did I actually do to make a difference over the last two weeks. Here were some of my guide points, a way of gaining focus during the moments when things were going to get blurry and governed by my emotional habits of 20+ years.

I'm curious about how these guide points will change, blend or move around over the next weeks and months.

MISIA'S GUIDE POINTS

1. Continuing 1 serve only of dairy/day​   

** the choice of dairy was made after I determined what I am most regularly drawn to.​

2. Ensuring food consumption happens within an hour eg. 8-9am

3. Min 2hrs before any other food happens (no drinks exc water)

4. Water anytime and always. Be ready to refill bottle 8-12 times

5.VERY Important: Everytime I feel hungry or snacky...basically anytime I want to have something to eat, take a mental moment to ask myself what am I really wanting.

​
5A. Do I want something specific? eg. To be talking with a friend or reading a book or watching a film or tidying up the car.
Or if unclear
5B) D​o I want to having a certain feeling? Cared for? Needed? Loved? Funny and playful?
And then with that knowing in me...not acting to it.  Just feeling.

​FUNDAMENTALS

* Whenever sitting down to eat - whether a snack or a meal. ALWAYS choose what I feel like.  If I feel like meat and icecream. GREAT!. If I feel like a huge crunchy salad with a bit of chicken. GREAT! If I feel like cheesy nachos. GREAT! 

* Remember to enjoy every mouthful of what you are eating.

If you start something that isn't hitting a spot. stop. save it for later, give it someone else or throw it out.  There is no point you becoming the rubbish bin

* ​If there is any moment that success or failure, disappointment or excitement gets stirred up.  Take that learning to move into awareness about loss, sadness or gain.  Make a note of any recurring moments like this.

BODY AWARENESS
Along the way I wanted to pay attention to a part of me I don't pay much attention to.
My physical body.
The most I tend to do on a daily basis is check if I am comfortable, literally feeling comfortable in my clothes.  I choose stretchy and fluffy fabrics and prefer soft natural fibres, probably as a form of feeling warm and fuzzy inside (module: self soothing) however, it doesn't guarantee looking good or fashionable.  I just don't have the eyes to work out whether what I'm wearing looks good, although I can easily be aware of the things I don't necessarily like in what I see in the mirror.
What I was curious about was what sensations or experiences I would notice and remember over that time.
Here are the ones that stayed with me.
* I enjoyed an increase of turning movement, which meant my arms could reach further round the back of me.  
* I would sometimes feel a tickly squirty pulsing feeling to the left of my ribcage and top left
tummy area. Though strange it wasn't uncomfortable and would happen a few hours after eating.
* My bladder seems to refill at an incredible rate!

FORWARD FOCUS

So I am going to continue with curiosity and increased physical awareness.

I'm wondering what the next two weeks will bring.  If any new sensations come to my awareness I'll be making notes.  Also, I'll be paying attention to the emotional stirrings that arise.
When changing a relationship of any sort, there can be revelations or stirrings which surprise us.