A Lesson in Health Communication : 'Clearing the air' is not the same as 'getting used to the smell'
Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay
In Australia, the reality TV show Married at First Sight (MAFS) is as fascinating as it is frustrating. I only watched one episode yesterday, and it confirmed what I already suspected: these shows are both, terrible and useful.
They’re terrible because they thrive on drama and manipulation for entertainment. But they’re also useful because they provide clear, real-world examples of common communication patterns—many of which are deeply unhealthy. When viewed critically, they can highlight what not to do in relationships and where healthier alternatives are needed.
A Perfect Example: Paul and Carina’s “Clearing the Air"
In this episode, Paul and Carina addressed something that had happened between them a year ago. Paul had ghosted Carina, and now, in front of the cameras, they had a conversation that was framed as "clearing the air."
But was it?
Paul had a lot to say—mostly justifications for why he disappeared. He explained himself, but where was the actual apology? Did he ever ask Carina how his ghosting affected her? Did she get the chance to express her concerns about his pattern of withdrawing under pressure?
If those moments happened, they were heavily edited out.
Instead, what we saw was a version of "acknowledgment" that wasn’t about true accountability. Paul wasn’t taking responsibility—he was searching for acceptance and hoping to be excused. His words served him more than they served her.
The Pattern: Why This Happens So Often
Because of social conditioning and family dynamics, Carina accepted the non-apology as enough. She gave him a second chance, not because growth had taken place, but because our society often rewards surface-level gestures over genuine accountability.
It played out like a parent-child dynamic:
Society (the symbolic parent) sees Paul returning and explaining himself and assumes that takes courage.
Carina (the child in this dynamic) responds with forgiveness and understanding, even though she never heard him take real accountability. The focus is on returning to harmony.
What was missing?
Carina didn’t know to say:
"You need to dig deeper than that. Here’s how your actions impacted me. And while I’ve moved beyond that time, my concern is that your tendency to shut down or run away will resurface when life gets hard."
What Accountability and a Real Apology Would Sound Like
Instead of justifying himself, Paul could have said:
"I’m sorry that my inability to communicate left you feeling ignored."
"I can understand that my actions came across as disrespectful and dismissive when I was overwhelmed."
"I need to recognize my tendency to withdraw when I feel pressured, and I will actively work on that."
He could have asked "How were you impacted?" and
"Even if nothing comes to you right now, if something stirs during our time on this experiment, please be sure to raise it with me. This has taken us both by surprise so it will be no surprise, if thoughts come up over time"
That would have shown reflection, accountability, and a commitment to growth.
Why It Wasn’t Enough (But Still “Worked”)
Paul did take a risk—he put himself in a vulnerable position by approaching Carina, knowing he might face rejection. That took some courage. But his motivation was not about her. It was about seeking acceptance from people he could see were important (ie. Carina's parents) and making himself feel better.
He was excited for a fresh start, but that excitement wasn’t based on understanding Carina’s experience—it was purely about his own desire for a new chapter. There is nothing wrong with this per se, it is completely understandable considering they have only just met and the focus for each person is to be as stable and settled as possible under very unique and destabilising conditions.
Sadly, it was enough for Carina because she, like many people, has been socialized to prioritize forgiveness over accountability. She has likely spent more time reflecting on how she can handle things better, rather than expecting others to do the same.
The Takeaway: A Healthier Option
This isn't about Paul, or Carina. This isn't about highly edited and perhaps even manipulated content. This is about a version of normality in communication across society, in families and relationships, and knowing that even if you know something isn't quite enough or isn't quite right. You can't know what to do, if you don't know what to do. We all know the standard path of "upset leads to explanations leads to 'everything being fine'". But what about if a healthier and more is needed?
Here is a start.
When someone who hurt you comes back and explains themselves but doesn’t take full accountability, consider asking:
"I appreciate you sharing your perspective, but I also need to know—do you understand how your actions impacted me?"
"What are you doing differently now so that this pattern doesn’t repeat?"
"I want to believe in second chances, but I need more than just an explanation—I need accountability."
Growth doesn't happen in relationships when we excuse behaviours without real change. If someone isn't digging deep, you might have to be the one to guide the conversation toward actual healing.
You might be the one who raises the subject again, and if you do, watch and listen to how they make space for you. This will give you an idea of the strengths and challenges ahead.
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