The Double Standard in MAFS: Physical vs. Emotional Aggression

 The Double Standard in MAFS: Physical vs. Emotional Aggression

In an episode of Married at First Sight (MAFS) (Ep 12, 2025), Paul punching a door became the central issue—replayed, analyzed, and repeatedly condemned. The show made sure viewers understood: this is unacceptable behavior.

On-screen warnings, repeated discussions, and expert commentary emphasized how aggression—even if not intended to intimidate—can still create fear and unease. However, while accountability was applied to Paul, it was overwhelmingly focused on shame, rather than a meaningful path forward.

From what was shown on screen, barely 15 seconds was dedicated to asking Paul whether he had sought therapy or learned emotional regulation techniques. There was no discussion about how to handle emotions constructively, no practical tools offered, and no focus on growth made apparent in the episodes.

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

The Pattern of Response

The response to Paul’s aggression followed a predictable pattern:

1. Public Shaming: Paul was repeatedly reminded that his behavior was unacceptable.
2. Social Superiority: Others distanced themselves from him, reinforcing their own moral high ground.
3. Focus on Guilt, Not Growth: Rather than being offered tools to manage emotions, it was obvious that the experts needed to see shame, remorse and disappointment from Paul.

Apparently, in other social media pathways, there was follow up provided for Paul and Carina.  Paul was banned from consuming alcohol for the remainder of the series (or during filming) and was made to attend weekly therapy on Saturdays.  

So while Paul was scrutinized, as well as given paths of action and improvement as management or support.  Another type of aggression was left completely unchecked—Adrian’s emotional aggression and coercive control over Awhina.

The Hidden Problem: Adrian’s Emotional Aggression

While Paul was publicly held accountable for his one-time physical outburst, Adrian’s persistent emotional aggression was ignored.

• Adrian has consistently displayed controlling, dismissive, and manipulative behaviors.
• Unlike Paul, he has faced zero accountability on-screen.
• There were no warnings, no expert intervention, and no direct conversations calling out his behavior.

Where were the clear messages saying:

• "See this? This is manipulation."
• "This is emotional aggression and control."
• "This is unacceptable behavior."

They didn’t exist.

The Impact on Awhina: Silence as Complicity

The most troubling part of this selective accountability is its impact on Awhina.

• No one has looked her in the eye and said: "What you are experiencing is abuse."
• No one has acknowledged: "You keep giving Adrian chances—not because he’s changing, but because you’re hopeful, attracted to him, or conditioned to see his behavior as normal." 
• No one has asked: "This person is repeatedly showing you that he is not focused on you.  Why are you continually giving this person chances?" 

Adrian’s emotional manipulation is in many ways much more harmful than Paul’s door punch because:

1. It is ongoing and calculated, it is not a single moment of emotional overwhelm.
2. He has no intention of changing—his arrogance, smirks, and ability to control conversations keep him in power.
3. His behavior is normalized—so much so that even Awhina (nor the group, nor the experts!) don't seem to recognize the problem.
4. It is direct and targeted towards Aphina, to ensure she backs off or is diminished enough to get weaker, less certain.

If the show is willing to condemn Paul’s physical aggression, why does it remain silent about Adrian’s coercive control and manipulation?

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Where Does Punching a Wall Fit in Aggression?

Punching a wall is a form of physical aggression, but intent and impact determine how it should be interpreted.  Not to reduce its seriousness, but by better understanding its source and intention it becomes possible to address and action and decrease the chance of reoccurance.

1. Physical Aggression (Externalized Anger)

• Intent: To intimidate, instill fear, or indirectly threaten others.
• Impact: Creates an environment of fear, where others may feel unsafe or coerced. eg. Punching a wall during an argument to scare someone.
• Severity: Moderate to Severe, depending on frequency and context.

2. Self-Destructive Aggression (Internalized Anger)

• Intent: To release frustration or self-punish, rather than hurt others.
• Impact: Leads to physical self-harm and reinforces unhealthy coping mechanisms eg. Someone punches a wall out of self-directed anger, injuring themselves.
• Severity: Moderate to Severe, especially if repeated.

3. Impulsive Emotional Outburst (Poor Emotional Regulation, Not Intended as Aggression)

• Intent: A momentary loss of control, rather than a conscious effort to intimidate or manipulate.
• Impact: May cause distress to others but is often followed by regret and an attempt to repair the situation. eg. A person punches a wall out of frustration but does not intend to scare anyone.
• Severity: Mild to Moderate, but can escalate if unchecked.

Key Considerations

Punching a wall is often a red flag for poor emotional regulation, aggression issues, or deep frustration.

While punching a wall may not always be meant to intimidate others, it is a sign of unprocessed anger—one that can become more dangerous over time if not properly addressed.

If done to intimidate, it is a form of coercive control and emotional abuse.

If self-directed, it may indicate self-harm tendencies or difficulty managing emotions healthily.

If impulsive but rare, it suggests a need for better coping mechanisms before it escalates.

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The Healthier Way: What Should Have Happened?

For Paul:

Instead of just shaming him, Paul should have been guided toward constructive emotional regulation techniques.

• Practical tools should have been introduced:
  • "Here’s how to process anger in the moment."
  • "It is ok to say I'm going to get noisy, best if you give me space" and then scream into a pillow
  • "Here is a physical, verbal and behavioural in the moment option instead of externalizing frustration physically."
• The experts should have reinforced that learning regulation takes time and effort.
• The focus should have been on growth—not just guilt and shame.

For Adrian:

• He should have been confronted with his emotional abuse:
  • "Listen to your own words. This is manipulation."
  • "Your tone is dismissive and controlling."
  • "This is toxic behavior, and it’s not okay."
• Awhina should have been supported in recognizing the patterns of coercion and control.
• On-screen warnings should have been displayed—just as they were with Paul.

For Awhina:

• She should have been given tools to recognize and respond to his tactics:
• "When Adrian shifts blame, here’s how to bring the focus back to accountability."
• "If he invalidates your feelings, here’s how to stand your ground."
• "When someone consistently refuses to take responsibility, that’s a red flag—not a challenge to ‘fix’ them."
• Just as Carina was encouraged to express any of the impact, Awhina should have been encouraged to identify why she keeps giving Adrian chances despite his refusal to change. 

For All Couples: Reflective Questions on Aggression

Instead of isolating Paul’s act as the only harmful aggression, the show could have introduced reflective questions for all participants:

1. Do I raise my voice, talk over, or dismiss my partner in conversations?
2. Have I ever made my partner feel small, embarrassed, or “crazy” during an argument?
3. Do I use silent treatment, withholding affection, or guilt-tripping as a way to control situations?
4. Do I minimize my partner’s feelings and make them question their own experiences?
5. Do I blame my partner when I’m feeling overwhelmed, instead of taking responsibility for my emotions?

These questions would have encouraged self-awareness and accountability across the board—not just for one person.

Final Thought: Accountability Needs to Be Consistent

Aggression comes in many forms. While society is quick to condemn visible violence, covert aggression—such as manipulation, control, and coercion—often goes unnoticed.

To build healthy relationships, we need to:

✅ Hold all forms of aggression accountable—not just physical acts.
✅ Provide practical tools for emotional regulation instead of relying on shame.
✅ Empower individuals to recognize and set boundaries against emotional manipulation.

✅ Let it be known that violence or aggression may take time to process. People watching or exposed in any way may not be able to voice their experience or the impact for some time afterwards.  Be prepared to hear echos of pain or concern.  Every moment matters regardless when a discussion arises.

If only physical aggression is called out, we fail to address the full scope of harm in relationships. Until accountability is applied fairly, selective outrage will continue to protect the most dangerous aggressors—the ones who harm without being noticed.

'Clearing the air' is not the same as 'getting used to the smell'

A Lesson in Health Communication : 'Clearing the air' is not the same as 'getting used to the smell'

Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay

In Australia, the reality TV show Married at First Sight (MAFS) is as fascinating as it is frustrating. I only watched one episode yesterday, and it confirmed what I already suspected: these shows are both, terrible and useful.

They’re terrible because they thrive on drama and manipulation for entertainment. But they’re also useful because they provide clear, real-world examples of common communication patterns—many of which are deeply unhealthy. When viewed critically, they can highlight what not to do in relationships and where healthier alternatives are needed.

A Perfect Example: Paul and Carina’s “Clearing the Air"

In this episode, Paul and Carina addressed something that had happened between them a year ago. Paul had ghosted Carina, and now, in front of the cameras, they had a conversation that was framed as "clearing the air."

But was it?

Paul had a lot to say—mostly justifications for why he disappeared. He explained himself, but where was the actual apology? Did he ever ask Carina how his ghosting affected her? Did she get the chance to express her concerns about his pattern of withdrawing under pressure?

If those moments happened, they were heavily edited out.

Instead, what we saw was a version of "acknowledgment" that wasn’t about true accountability. Paul wasn’t taking responsibility—he was searching for acceptance and hoping to be excused. His words served him more than they served her.

The Pattern: Why This Happens So Often

Because of social conditioning and family dynamics, Carina accepted the non-apology as enough. She gave him a second chance, not because growth had taken place, but because our society often rewards surface-level gestures over genuine accountability.

It played out like a parent-child dynamic:

Society (the symbolic parent) sees Paul returning and explaining himself and assumes that takes courage.

Carina (the child in this dynamic) responds with forgiveness and understanding, even though she never heard him take real accountability. The focus is on returning to harmony.

What was missing?

Carina didn’t know to say:

"You need to dig deeper than that. Here’s how your actions impacted me. And while I’ve moved beyond that time, my concern is that your tendency to shut down or run away will resurface when life gets hard."

What Accountability and a Real Apology Would Sound Like

Instead of justifying himself, Paul could have said:

"I’m sorry that my inability to communicate left you feeling ignored."

"I can understand that my actions came across as disrespectful and dismissive when I was overwhelmed."

"I need to recognize my tendency to withdraw when I feel pressured, and I will actively work on that."

He could have asked "How were you impacted?" and

"Even if nothing comes to you right now, if something stirs during our time on this experiment, please be sure to raise it with me. This has taken us both by surprise so it will be no surprise, if thoughts come up over time"

That would have shown reflection, accountability, and a commitment to growth.

Why It Wasn’t Enough (But Still “Worked”)

Paul did take a risk—he put himself in a vulnerable position by approaching Carina, knowing he might face rejection. That took some courage. But his motivation was not about her. It was about seeking acceptance from people he could see were important (ie. Carina's parents) and making himself feel better.

He was excited for a fresh start, but that excitement wasn’t based on understanding Carina’s experience—it was purely about his own desire for a new chapter. There is nothing wrong with this per se, it is completely understandable considering they have only just met and the focus for each person is to be as stable and settled as possible under very unique and destabilising conditions.

Sadly, it was enough for Carina because she, like many people, has been socialized to prioritize forgiveness over accountability. She has likely spent more time reflecting on how she can handle things better, rather than expecting others to do the same.

The Takeaway: A Healthier Option

This isn't about Paul, or Carina. This isn't about highly edited and perhaps even manipulated content. This is about a version of normality in communication across society, in families and relationships, and knowing that even if you know something isn't quite enough or isn't quite right. You can't know what to do, if you don't know what to do. We all know the standard path of "upset leads to explanations leads to 'everything being fine'". But what about if a healthier and more is needed?

Here is a start.

When someone who hurt you comes back and explains themselves but doesn’t take full accountability, consider asking:

"I appreciate you sharing your perspective, but I also need to know—do you understand how your actions impacted me?"

"What are you doing differently now so that this pattern doesn’t repeat?"

"I want to believe in second chances, but I need more than just an explanation—I need accountability."

Growth doesn't happen in relationships when we excuse behaviours without real change. If someone isn't digging deep, you might have to be the one to guide the conversation toward actual healing.

You might be the one who raises the subject again, and if you do, watch and listen to how they make space for you. This will give you an idea of the strengths and challenges ahead.

https://9now.nine.com.au/married-at-first-sight/videos/latest/carina-and-paul-clear-the-air-about-their-history/cm6efnufr000k0inwv6i6bh1v?