I was at the kitchen table. One half filled with magnetic toys, dinosaurs talking with ooshies and other random, but not random to my daughter, bits and pieces which have needed attention during the day. The other half of the table had two placemats for our rather late summer dinner. It was nearly 9pm but we had not been hungry earlier and there is always so much to do. Elodie had some drawings she needed to finish and I was preparing some lunches for the week ahead. In between our busy-ness, we chatted a little bit but not too much. Eventually I said to Elodie that it was probably a good idea that we either eat the food I'd set aside, or I could put it away. I asked whether the half of the table which we were to eat at, could be cleared. Elodie said 'of course. I need some help though' and I let her know I would be right there, as soon as I had the kitchen benches cleared.
As I was ready to be at the table, I could see that it had not quite been cleared. There had been animals, or other things which had caught Elodie's attention as she had started clearing. I nudged things to the side with a serious expression on my face. Neither happy nor sad, but focused. Elodie asked if I was angry and i said 'no, I'm a little frustrated but I'm just focusing on getting this half of the table ready'.
She looked at me and said "Mama, tell me more"
I could tell her that I was only frustrated because I felt that we had both been doing our own jobs for a while and now it seemed to be taking so long, for us to sit down together. It was like I was now losing together time.
Elodie said she had a great idea. She moved her chair ALOT closer and said "I can now hold your hand" and although I had not needed a solution nor more contact, she was very pleased with her idea and how close she was able to come.
"Tell me more"
I have said this and more than a few variations over the years. To Elodie, when she has been grumpy, I'll have said "I can see you're angry. You wish something was different don't you? Do you want to tell me more"
To her sister, when there are obviously things on her mind, I'd say "If you change your mind and want to tell me more, I'm listening" or
To my partner, it may be as simple as saying "Tell me more" with the understanding that it isn't an instruction nor a demand. It is an understood invitation, which is easy to decline and easy to return to "I can tell you more about .... now"
These three little words can convey love, care, interest and consideration for a persons space, feelings and experience.
In our home, these words have as much, or perhaps more power than "I love you". We all know that we love each other. A way of indicating that someone is opening up the option to share: "I'm listening if you want to tell me more" - to me, this is true care, generosity and a initiation of acceptance. If distilled, would these be the micro ingredients to Love?
In all. I am so incredibly blessed to hear that Elodie is now able to offer this too.
* this post was written in January 2020. Only published today because I returned to this blog after a few years away.
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