Answered December 20, 2018 on quora
My answer did not match the previous responses on quora. And only applies to items which are legal, suitable and something which can be included into the home or your environment.
Probably best to not bother reading further if this is a Santa Claus perpetuation, then the answer is more simple. … do it if you want to and can afford it. If you can't, then get a gift card to the value that is acceptable to you and maybe it is time to start dissolving the illusion of Santa!
My answer to him directly however, would be “‘absolutely yes’ my gift this year is to say that YES I want to help you get this item, sometime during the next year or month or whatever. However With 5 days to go, it won't happen for this year so feel free to tell me about something else that you want within my more usual budget of $x.”
Then make a time to sit down and find out how $5000 comes together, and how he can contribute and participate in this fund collection.
The fact you ask this question with possibility, tells me that you would consider buying this for him. Which also tells me that you would have the ideas, knowledge and ability to have a relaxed, discovery based discussion with your son. …this discussion doesn't have to be a sit down, single session.
It can be spread over many days, dinners and car drives.
It can be fun, curiosity based and fueled by possibility.
He can give ideas, you can give ideas, other family members can contribute. No idea should be measured by its possibility, but simply recieve as ‘yes, I could see that working’ or ‘whoa, I had't thought of that’ or ‘Hmmm, I'm curious to understand more about what you mean”
From putting things that he already owns and selling them with you on facebook or at a garage sale to finding out that ordinary tasks that you do in the home have a time value which may translate into a $value.
Hypothetical questions such as. .’if you had $2500 in your account, how much of that would you contribute towards this $5000 item?’. ‘if you had to choose 3 things to not do or eat or have over a year, what would they be? These types of questions can reveal a lot about your child s character and expectations. The interesting thing is that you may discover how important this item is, and what they are prepared to exchange in their life to move towards this goal.
It isn't about having your child earn money or work, it isn't about them doing chores. .. it is about being aware of the value of things in their life, and using this want for one thing to help them discover their own priorities. It is also about you, learning about your son, without directing him to achieve our succeed. Simply taking the opportunity to learn more about your son.
FIRST AND ONLY RULE. Your aim is discover more about your child. You are not aiming to buy or not buy something. That is your child's focus.
If they step away from wanting it, change their mind or become angry. You do not need to do anything nor try to get their interest back. Just be available and at some stage you might ask ‘so, do you want to still get that item you told me about? ‘ No, is completely fine. There will be other wants and ‘would likes’ that will come up soon enough
My 13yo daughter was very keen on the apple brand ear buds. Personally, they held no interest to me and I thought they were very pricey. But i don't refer to my knowledge to override or detract from my children's choices. Instead, as always, I said that getting those ear buds was possible but I was honest to o, saying I won't be buying them immediately, it will need some thought and discussion.
Bear in mind, I have practiced this approach with my children since they were about 8yo…so they step into it readily. But even families who step into an ‘absolutely yes’ approach for the first time, can make incredible discoveries together.
First I checked whether she had an ideal timeframe, and whether there was a time beyond which she just couldn't be bothered acting to. It turned out January sometime was fine because she still had time in the holidays to work out how to use them, set up etc. TICK
Then, we talked about features, what made these buds the ones she wanted. ..this also helped me understand what she was looking for and why, remembering that I was not familiar with this piece of technology. I indicated how much I was prepared to contribute, in this case about half, and what it meant I would not buy or do as I had originally thought. In this case, as I am overseas, I was just going to give her the cash to spend as she wanted, but I know she likes having savings.
Finally, I asked her to send me a link to where she would be buying it, and 2 or 3 more links to see if the prices are comparable or competitive. Perhaps me buying duty free would be a good option this year. We always have a research stage, even if it is for reading feedback forums or looking for second hand, as new sales. …we chatted back and forth on messenger and by email. Exchanging discoveries and thoughts.
THE OUTCOME? my daughter found a set of earbuds which she liked the look of and had all the same features, especially her main interest for a long playing life, for around $50 instead of the $200+ and asked that I order those for her instead and transfer the remainder into her account, so she still has cash to access later. All this simply because I said ‘absolutely yes’
I am not invested in what my daughters buy, soon enough it will be their own life and decisions which won't have my input. To me, whether they buy something big, small, cheap or expensive, doesn't matter. Whether they buy on credit, through savings or by finding another approach doesn't matter either. The process, the discovery and the experience is what counts to me.
I will still have my own limits. My daughters know that sometimes I do not have the ability to contribute in $ but I can contribute time or some other skill or resource. They know that thinking of ideas and hearing other ideas is important, as that is where even more ideas come from. You only know what you know until you learn something new! And finally, we all understand that things can get emotional sometimes. ..but if anger ,hostility or nastiness invades the space, then the process goes on pause until such time as that passes.
I do not act when someone is angry. I step away, do my own thing or if invited, help move through the anger and sadness and reenter when that person says they are feeling clearer.
When someone says they plan to bungee jump from the moon. My first response might be ‘whoa., I was not expecting to hear that today! ‘ tell me more about that idea. …I'm curious.
If someone says they plan to build a look alike mansion like what famous artist or singer had, I might say ‘Hmmm, what are the features you are most impressed by? ‘
Every want and desire is valid for what it can tell us about a person, it doesn't mean it will happen. I may not be the one that brings it to life. But I certainly won't get in the way.
No comments:
Post a Comment