Today i have found myself wondering about the impact of deprivation. I have no doubt this is a topic which could be written about at length. This version however is just a step through of my thoughts as they arise.
It started with a pondering, whether I, as a result of a generation of parents who thought they
were doing the right thing by depriving their children of things - have
ended up disabled. Without meaning a
permanent disability, however, without knowing and learning and
understanding how we are maintaining the disability 'given' to us for
our own good ... we will perpetuate it within ourselves and, naturally,
pass it on to our children.
I have known that living with the perspective of deprivation
is not a healthy one. As a result I adjust my experiences and my views
as often as I can. However, what would I need to do differently to not
experience initial moments as loss, deprivation or missing out in the first place.
How do I go about healing this limp?
In
addition, for as long as I have to 'work' on being ok with life being
ample and having completely enough and even more being ok too ... this
work is a reminder that the step into abundance, across all topics and moments in life, isn't the natural or automatic one. It also means that I will
have difficulty naturally letting my children have enough or seeing them
want more.
This may not apply to my 2 year old, however it may start applying to a 6 or 7 year old and by the time they are in their teens, the attitude may have silently become its full grown self.
Whether
we come from an upbringing of deficit or an upbringing of ample - as
soon as we become adults we adjust what we do and what we have to
matching what we want in some way. Some people go the extreme - and
just get everything. THis is more a sign of not really knowing who you
are, rather than making up a deficit. For others, they become focused
on providing for themselves the things that they missed out on - this
can become obsessive. Even people who have
plenty, can act to this approach too. Part of the excitement of liking
something, is wanting more of it. True in relationships as much as new
toys, activities or friendships. Over time often a balance is found.
But what if a balance cannot be found because of the constant pull of deprivation being 'good' and abundance or more being 'bad'.
Even
over an ordinary lunch this can be demonstrated. While I sit in a dark lounge room
... one person may turn on two sets of lights which to my taste, give adequate light. A moment later, the person
concerned about electricity use, will turn one set off. They will
determine this to be enough. Of course, everyone adjusts. There is
after all more light than there was a moment ago. however, is it really
enough - well, out of 4 people, 3 would say that it was still dark.
You couldn't ask the 4th person because their concern or reasoning will
have skewed their perception of what was sufficient.
But just in this simple moment - every person is living in a form of deprivation.
And yet, if someone was to comment about how dark it is. There would be a reaction from the 4th person ... and perhaps even
person 2 and 3.. to say "But you have light!"
Isn't
it true though - that you can have light, but not have enough? you can
have food, but not have enough? you can have a relationship, but not
really have enough?
So after all that, where am I going?
Well.
I was thinking about this in relation to families, parents and children
and basically any interaction where one person is recieving and another
person is giving or controlling. As a child I grew up very grateful
for time I had with my father, beyond appreciation though, I was aware
how tenuous and fragile that attention was. In fact, I knew that the
attention was not dependant on me or what I wanted, it was completely
dependant on what my father wanted and if he happened to have nothing to
do for a minute or two. I knew as soon as something of greater priority would arise, there wouldn't be a second thought about him moving on.
My mother was a different dynamic, but again,
regardless of what my mother would say she gave or did, it was not
enough nor what I wanted or needed. There was light - but it wasn't
enough! Does that make me ungrateful? Or honest? Does it make me self aware? Or does it make me greedy? In fact it doesn't matter, because I didn't request more at the time and years later when I recognised the gap and the consequences it had for me, it was something too difficult for my mother to look at from my perspective.
So -
my mothers story ... and probably my fathers ... is that I was given
enough.
Actually I was given MORE than enough. And they are right.
From their perspective they were. However
My story is that I had an emotionally and attention deprived
childhood. It wasn't that I was given no attention, in fact the focus upon me was immense, as was the expectation and potential to disappoint or say and do things which were disapproved of. Neither was it because there was no emotion around me, there certainly was, but it was parent centred and I learnt to read, cater and facilitate to others sooner than understanding my own emotional space.
I have no argument with the fact I was given enough food,
clothing or shelter ...but even those things did not meet my wants. They were adequate and I don't think I complained. I
knew they were enough, and I was grateful for what I got because I knew
it could all be taken away quickly. However, one bite of chocolate once
a week didn't feel like enough. Would one bar of chocolate, once a
month, have been better? I don't know.
All said, I didn't really
formulate many wants because there would have been no point. But even if
I had - they would have been 'safe' wants, ie, wants which would have been safe to expresseven if I had recieved
them all .. would I have been satisfied? Or was it really all too late -
because of the mindset I had learnt?
These
questions are just sitting with me, not needing direct answers now.
However, when I look to my children. More specifically my older daughters and their wants, I easily determine something to be
excessive or unnecessary, so I want to reflect and check whether I am
inadvertently still acting to 'deprivation' and that having to wait for something to be fulfilled is 'good' vs 'bad'
I do not think I will change anything today.
I do not know for certain this changes anything in the future.
However, something niggles and for those who know me, when things niggle I'll pull the thread until something unravels!
I wonder if or when my concept of deprivation being 'good' start?
At age 7? or 12?
I know that my approach to parenting does not work to deprivation
- simply to patterns and stages. So I know that I have looked at this
from an action POV a while ago. This is me looking at this from a
belief perspective and wondering whether I have good/bad in action and
whether it is impacting how I see my daughters being given things or
not....and even myself.
As usual - there is no real beginning or end to this reflection. Just sharing.
No replies needed .... but of course, thoughts are always welcome.
