I don't want to be happy!

I am sometimes asked 'Why are you so happy?' and my first honest answer is that in this moment, "I am not happy, however I am (usually and often) content."

Contentment happens and allows alot of room for other emotions to be.
This doesn't mean I have perfect days, with no frustrations or that things go my way at all times.
It also doesn't mean I don't have complaints or little life happenings which I would not have loved to have been different.  But in all honesty, I don't want to be happy all the time.

Just as I don't want to be sad all the time.
I don't want to be delighted all the time.
I don't want to be any one experience all the time.

I think our emotional spectrum is amazing.  I feel fortunate to experience so many parts of that spectrum.  I love that I have the capacity to experience many emotions over the course of a day.

Certainly, lingering sadness, resentment, regret or fear are not emotional states I wish to stay in, however I am glad for the experience because there is usually some information about my environment or about myself to be gained from the emotional moment.

I work to an emotional foundation that is not complex.
I believe we come into this world with an basic ability to feel alert, discomfort and contentment.

Unlike many emotions and feeling models and theories, I do not believe that happiness and fear are at our core.  I believe both are learnt and where being happy develops from contentment, fear develops from being alert.  Depending on your environment and what you have to learn from, feeling happy or scared or irritated will all develop with different strength and with varying priority.

I also do not believe being happy is essential for survival or life.  I believe it is an emotion that is born from contentment and it can definitely help shift a perspective and help you survive, but a life without happiness will not automatically mean you have a bad life.

What is it about this generation and this society that has come to believe that a certain level of happiness is essential to living a good life?

I may not feel happy over the course of a day, a week or perhaps even a month.  However, dependant on what else is part of my emotional diet - it is not necessarily a bad time.  I do not search for feeling happy, neither do I feel that not having a happy experience is a problem.  A bit like ice-cream, I like it and I would probably gladly eat icecream daily, however if i don't have icecream for a month, I will be ok.

Believe it or not - if my days and weeks are filled with a variety of emotions from the simple ones to the more complex, then I am alive and I am living.  As I am also receptive to my environment and interact with people who have the ability to input into my life, I may experience sadness, confusion, curiosity, fear, despair, satiation, excitement, fulfilment, dread, enthusiasm, anger and so the list continues.  I would begin to be concerned if a single emotion became dominant - and yes, that would include happiness.  Because isn't there something manic and even physiologically dangerous about sustaining a single state for a long period of time.

This is part of the distress surrounding stress.  In itself, stress is a natural and needed state.  However, as people live with an expectation or hope that stress will diminish, while not necessarily making any personal change for that to occur - the permanence of the state creates mental and physical health problems.  The occurrence is natural.  Cyclical resolution is ideal.  Permanence is not.

So too, being happy.
No, thank you.

I'm content.  That will do nicely.

Deprivation - good, bad or disabling?

Today i have found myself wondering about the impact of deprivation.  I have no doubt this is a topic which could be written about at length. This version however is just a step through of my thoughts as they arise.

It started with a pondering, whether I, as a result of a generation of parents who thought they were doing the right thing by depriving their children of things - have ended up disabled.  Without meaning a permanent disability, however, without knowing and learning and understanding how we are maintaining the disability 'given' to us for our own good ... we will perpetuate it within ourselves and, naturally, pass it on to our children.

I have known that living with the perspective of deprivation is not a healthy one.  As a result I adjust my experiences and my views as often as I can.  However, what would I need to do differently to not experience initial moments as loss, deprivation or missing out in the first place.

How do I go about healing this limp?

In addition, for as long as I have to 'work' on being ok with life being ample and having completely enough and even more being ok too ... this work is a reminder that the step into abundance, across all topics and moments in life, isn't the natural or automatic one.  It also means that I will have difficulty naturally letting my children have enough or seeing them want more.

This may not apply to my 2 year old, however it may start applying to a 6 or 7 year old and by the time they are in their teens, the attitude may have silently become its full grown self.

Whether we come from an upbringing of deficit or an upbringing of ample - as soon as we become adults we adjust what we do and what we have to matching what we want in some way.  Some people go the extreme - and just get everything.  THis is more a sign of not really knowing who you are, rather than making up a deficit.  For others, they become focused on providing for themselves the things that they missed out on - this can become obsessive.  Even people who have plenty, can act to this approach too.  Part of the excitement of liking something, is wanting more of it.  True in relationships as much as new toys, activities or friendships.  Over time often a  balance is found.

But what if a balance cannot be found because of the constant pull of deprivation being 'good' and abundance or more being 'bad'.

Even over an ordinary lunch this can be demonstrated.  While I sit in a dark lounge room ... one person may turn on two sets of lights which to my taste, give adequate light.  A moment later, the person concerned about electricity use, will turn one set off.  They will determine this to be enough.  Of course, everyone adjusts.  There is after all more light than there was a moment ago.  however, is it really enough - well, out of 4 people, 3 would say that it was still dark.  You couldn't ask the 4th person because their concern or reasoning will have skewed their perception of what was sufficient.

But just in this simple moment - every person is living in a form of deprivation.  And yet, if someone was to comment about how dark it is.  There would be a reaction from the 4th person ... and perhaps even person 2 and 3.. to say "But you have light!"  

Isn't it true though - that you can have light, but not have enough?  you can have food, but not have enough?  you can have a relationship, but not really have enough?

So after all that, where am I going?

Well.  I was thinking about this in relation to families, parents and children and basically any interaction where one person is recieving and another person is giving or controlling.  As a child I grew up very grateful for time I had with my father, beyond appreciation though, I was aware how tenuous and fragile that attention was.  In fact, I knew that the attention was not dependant on me or what I wanted, it was completely dependant on what my father wanted and if he happened to have nothing to do for a minute or two.  I knew as soon as something of greater priority would arise, there wouldn't be a second thought about him moving on.  

My mother was a different dynamic, but again, regardless of what my mother would say she gave or did, it was not enough nor what I wanted or needed.  There was light - but it wasn't enough!  Does that make me ungrateful? Or honest? Does it make me self aware? Or does it make me greedy?  In fact it doesn't matter, because I didn't request more at the time and years later when I recognised the gap and the consequences it had for me, it was something too difficult for my mother to look at from my perspective. 

So - my mothers story ... and probably my fathers ... is that I was given enough.  

Actually I was given MORE than enough.  And they are right.  From their perspective they were.  However

My story is that I had an emotionally and attention deprived childhood.  It wasn't that I was given no attention, in fact the focus upon me was immense, as was the expectation and potential to disappoint or say and do things which were disapproved of.  Neither was it because there was no emotion around me, there certainly was, but it was parent centred and I learnt to read, cater and facilitate to others sooner than understanding my own emotional space. 

I have no argument with the fact I was given enough food, clothing or shelter ...but even those things did not meet my wants.  They were adequate and I don't think I complained.  I knew they were enough, and I was grateful for what I got because I knew it could all be taken away quickly.  However, one bite of chocolate once a week didn't feel like enough.  Would one bar of chocolate, once a month, have been better?  I don't know.

All said, I didn't really formulate many wants because there would have been no point. But even if I had - they would have been 'safe' wants, ie, wants which would have been safe to expresseven if I had recieved them all .. would I have been satisfied?  Or was it really all too late - because of the mindset I had learnt?

These questions are just sitting with me, not needing direct answers now.  However, when I look to my children.  More specifically my older daughters and their wants, I easily determine something to be excessive or unnecessary, so I want to reflect and check whether I am inadvertently still acting to 'deprivation' and that having to wait for something to be fulfilled is 'good' vs 'bad'

I do not think I will change anything today.

I do not know for certain this changes anything in the future.

However, something niggles and for those who know me, when things niggle I'll pull the thread until something unravels!

I wonder if or when my concept of deprivation being 'good' start?

At age 7? or 12?

I know that my approach to parenting does not work to deprivation - simply to patterns and stages.  So I know that I have looked at this from an action POV a while ago.  This is me looking at this from a belief perspective and wondering whether I have good/bad in action and whether it is impacting how I see my daughters being given things or not....and even myself.

As usual - there is no real beginning or end to this reflection.  Just sharing.

No replies needed .... but of course, thoughts are always welcome.

Perspective : Beyond Feelings!

Sit and be ok with sitting.
Must it be either bad? or good? right? or wrong?

For all the things you do not measure - as you need not measure eg. air or skin cells,

There are many  things which you still judge to be wrong or right.

Look at these things.  How many are judgement of others? How many judgement of yourself?

I personally, can accept many parts of my life being in flow.  In practical terms it means if there is suddenly more laundry, less money, more driving to do, less interest in what I have to say - I can move into acceptance and stay in the present moment.  This has happened with practice.

 

"Over time, not overnight"

The skill of judging what is wrong and right is important.  

It is something that we all must learn in order to make decisions.  Being able to move between the family compass, the social compass and finally your own personal compass takes much attention and practice.  Knowing right from wrong is not as black and white.  However, as you gain that skill, it helps you navigate at times of pressure, confusion or when imposed upon by others.

Can you think of something which is considered right or ok in society? right by you but not right within your family?

What about a contrasting item.  Can you think of something that was considered completely right in your family and in your social and cultural space however completely did not work for you?

In my life, I grew up within a family dynamic where it was acceptable for adults to be angry and expressive of this anger, however there was a clear line between what was expressed in the house and not to be spoken about in public or with anyone else.  It was therefore right to have family experiences which were never shared with others, it was right to keep things private or secret and wrong to talk about bad moods, bad behaviour or anything 'bad' with others.  This was in line with my school and social community, although I could see the defining line was not as far into secrecy as within my family.  However, it was still firmly on the side of 'not airing dirty laundry' unless something illegal was happening.  My personal compass pulled strongly in contrast and it took me at least fifteen years to work out exactly how to work to expressing, sharing and talking about what is happening within a home and alligning it to my inner compass, that it is right to do this and even more, it is healthy for me because it allows and invites further input and learning. Otherwise, I would risk continuing to act as I had been taught because it is all I knew.

 

"We only know what we know"

 

Beyond learning how to determine right from wrong, to become attached to doing so all the time is not helpful.  As you emotionally mature and energetically expand, there needs to be a new level of awareness that for what is right at one moment, may be wrong in the next.  It does not change the quality of the decision, but simply be prepared to reevaluate and remain responsive in every moment.

There is a way of feeling and living and doing at the same time.  

Past, present and future in one moment - the holy trinity is in us.

 

Feelings acknowledge our history, our learnings and experiences. The past.

Living is looking to the moment and staying alive and having the experience in the moment. The present.

Acting moves beyond the present. It is our impact on our world, on the world and energetically, it is a truth which has substance and weight and visibility.  It is our link or outstretched hand into the future

For me personally, publishing this post captures this example. 
My feelings would indicate lack of confidence, caution and even some anxiety.  If I was to act upon my feelings I would not do anything, besides write a note or talk to myself.  I don't want to write and hit 'publish' because it feels unsafe and exposed. However, these feelings are there because of my PAST.  My experiences and times from the past which found me acting, writing, telling others something and a resulting experience of sadness, regret and pain.  
So I focus on the present moment and any stirring and observation I am given in this moment.  There is a sense of this moment, this writing, this expression being perfectly right too.  I am not doing wrong.  Nor am I doing anything else except capturing some thoughts which realistically may be read by two or three people.  So in having my experience of the moment, responsibly and alert and within the PRESENT. I am relaxed, content and happy.
I will therefore act.  In finishing this sentence, doing a spell check and perhaps some minor formatting - I will finish this piece and hit publish.  I do not know whether I will share it on another social media space.  For now, this action will connect this moment with the FUTURE.  Perhaps for the learning. No different to handing in a school assignment or work report, something easily forgotten and possibly never again referred to, however crucial to bringing things together and cementing something learned.  By contrast, perhaps it will be part of a stable foundation, a fundamental step or stone which forms a basis for something in my service, satisfaction and greater contribution.
I may never know any more than it was neither right or wrong, however it was still perfect.