Full circles and ripples of thought

A long time favourite song of mine, Les Moulins de mon coeur (The windmills of my heart) by Michel Legrand, composed in 1968 with lyrics by Eddy Marnay has been a long time favourite of mine.  

https://lyricstranslate.com/fr/les-moulins-de-mon-coeur-windmills-my-heart.html

The English version, The Windmills of your Mind pushed the song to a broader audience through the film, The Thomas Crowne Affair (1968) with lyrics by Alan and Marilyn Bergman.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPNx5ydr8VI

https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/5298908/Michel+Legrand/The+Windmills+of+Your+Mind

It is such a fascinating contrast that one language speaks to the spirals of the heart while the other, of the mind.  One refers to the pulse in life, the circular events and feelings and the inevitability of repetition. To feel the same when it is clear things are not the same.  The other version, also captures the rotation and spirals with a leaning to the turnings, churnings of the mind. Originally sung by Noel Harrison with a gentle impatience, and agitation which could either resolve or escalate towards anxiety.  Talking of same places and events and yet, nothing ever truly being the same.   To me, both versions and later versions sung by Dusty Springfield or Sting are beautiful poems with a melody which, regardless of the focus, nurture the descriptions perfectly.  

But this isn't a song review! (who would have guessed!?)

Situations coming full circle in life doesn't always feel fun or positive.  It can feel repetitive, like failure and a sign that for all the action, efforts and belief that you have changed something, in effect, nothing changed. 

A person who has lived out of home and lived independently, moves back in with family and could feel as though they have gone backwards.  A young couple however, may talk with family and move back home as a strategy for saving for a future house deposit.  The perspective of possibility makes the difference between feeling failure or hope.

In many human interactions from parenting and families, to businesses and management teams, the outcomes and quality of relationships provide the evidence for the more silent yet consistent traps, habits and patterned effect of trauma, generational attachment and even, communication styles.  Repetition is powerful regardless of how conscious or aware anyone is to it.   From healthy growth mindset in finance or entrepreneurial progress to the more challenging dynamics of abuse, addiction or control can be explained, where the skills and behaviours of one generation determine the direction of the next.  Where, despite the resources being different and the environment looking different, the relationship dynamics are repeated.  With no conscious input this plays out in health and in disorder.  For those individuals doing inner self work, reparenting, conscious communication shifts and actively seeking out other ways.

In some ways - coming full circle can be a great opportunity to see who you are and how you act.  Whether your current version of self is as different, as evolved or as grown as you thought.  Not to check for failure - but more to check whether your perspectives and skills come together in an 'old' environment, and show you your stronger or healthier self.  

Coming full circle can definitely show you that you no longer fit in a space at all.  You can return into a family dynamic which is in such conflict with who you are, that resolution or even just tolerating the space is impossible in a healthy way.  It can feel confronting and sad to see that connection, however feeble, is lost.  Elements like shared humour may no longer be accessible because once upon a time, connection was gained through laughing or diminishing others, and you can no longer do that without the knowledge that it is unkind and wrong.  It could be more practical, you may have a greater awareness of your sensitivities or inflammatory triggers, and so cooking together may no longer be a pleasure nor comfort.  Without accommodations or at the least, some discussion to know what can be prepared together in the kitchen, the act of sharing space decreases.

Taken from www.facebook.com/share/DUBAEBiUwT9KDkL5/

"1973 project regarding growth and tree spacing in southern Japan.

Researchers planted trees in 10 degree radial increments to form 10 concentric circles. It was a study to determine if trees' growth would be affected by planting density."

I was reflecting on this picture, on this project without any other inputs than the post and picture.  Seeing that after 50 years it does show that the centre trees are still the smallest, in this case, even though they were planted at the same time.  

However, they are crucial, and definitely a factor in the outer circle being the stronger and taller ones.

I wonder how much this is played out in our organic human existence.  

A pattern nowhere near as visible as these trees.  As a person or a group of people in a generation of humans, make a significant change of structure (and purpose and beliefs) that even for the years to come, they may still feel fragile, smaller, less recognised and from that centre position, wonder, 'was any of the change and effort and focus worth it?'.  Even with the mindset that "Every little bit matters" and "Every action counts", day to day life can become or feel a bit pointless or despairing to those whose entire focus and energy goes into the change.  

Those who come after have the space and place held for them, the resource access the stability of environment to expand, explore and ensure evolution happens.  This doesn't make their life easier, it simply allows their life to be different.  That when they look around they are exposed to two foundations - the old, the traditional and from the picture, the 'normal' planting of rows as well as the alternative, the new and from that picture again, the circular centre.   

In the case of trees, there will be little change in position over time, so the measures which indicate difference and strength will be in the size and overall health of the tree.  In humans, it might be the ability to accept rather than fight, communicate rather than suppress and maintain stability rather than live in confusion or inner chaos. 

Todays post does not come full circle.  Or from my vantage point in a meeting room in a local library, I only see some words and wonderings come together randomly simply because I haven't found focus on another task.  A consequence of a low energy log in to this account after five years away.  But one day, I may look back and see that it is just part of the less visible inner circle of my own challenges and changes in life, but from an aerial view, completely significant and supportive of any of the progress or growth to come.

For those interested, the melody to Les Moulins de mon coeur is said to have been inspired by Sinfonia Koncertante for Violin and Viola K364 by Mozart, 1779.

Three little words

"Tell me more" I heard my four year old say.

I was at the kitchen table.  One half filled with magnetic toys, dinosaurs talking with ooshies and other random, but not random to my daughter, bits and pieces which have needed attention during the day.  The other half of the table had two placemats for our rather late summer dinner. It was nearly 9pm but we had not been hungry earlier and there is always so much to do.  Elodie had some drawings she needed to finish and I was preparing some lunches for the week ahead.  In between our busy-ness, we chatted a little bit but not too much.  Eventually I said to Elodie that it was probably a good idea that we either eat the food I'd set aside, or I could put it away.   I asked whether the half of the table which we were to eat at, could be cleared.  Elodie said 'of course.  I need some help though' and I let her know I would be right there, as soon as I had the kitchen benches cleared. 

As I was ready to be at the table, I could see that it had not quite been cleared.  There had been animals, or other things which had caught Elodie's attention as she had started clearing.  I nudged things to the side with a serious expression on my face.  Neither happy nor sad, but focused.  Elodie asked if I was angry and i said 'no, I'm a little frustrated but I'm just focusing on getting this half of the table ready'. 

She looked at me and said "Mama, tell me more"

I could tell her that I was only frustrated because I felt that we had both been doing our own jobs for a while and now it seemed to be taking so long, for us to sit down together.  It was like I was now losing together time.

Elodie said she had a great idea.  She moved her chair ALOT closer and said "I can now hold your hand" and although I had not needed a solution nor more contact, she was very pleased with her idea and how close she was able to come. 

"Tell me more"

I have said this and more than a few variations over the years.  To Elodie, when she has been grumpy, I'll have said "I can see you're angry.  You wish something was different don't you?  Do you want to tell me more"

To her sister, when there are obviously things on her mind, I'd say "If you change your mind and want to tell me more, I'm listening" or

To my partner, it may be as simple as saying "Tell me more" with the understanding that it isn't an instruction nor a demand.  It is an understood invitation, which is easy to decline and easy to return to "I can tell you more about .... now"

These three little words can convey love, care, interest and consideration for a persons space, feelings and experience. 

In our home, these words have as much, or perhaps more power than "I love you".  We all know that we love each other.  A way of indicating that someone is opening up the option to share: "I'm listening if you want to tell me more" - to me, this is true care, generosity and a initiation of acceptance. If distilled, would these be the micro ingredients to Love?  

In all. I am so incredibly blessed to hear that Elodie is now able to offer this too.  

* this post was written in January 2020.  Only published today because I returned to this blog after a few years away.

Flirting - fun or fear filled?

Many people recognise that they struggle to flirt.  They feel awkward and may even stop trying as they don’t feel that there is any chance of improving.  Most people look at the surface and say something like “I can flirt with guys so easily, but I can’t with girls” or the more generalised, distanced stance, “Men are so much easier to flirt with than girls”.  Even on the surface, there can be a distinction between how your skills change depending on circumstance eg. “I can flirt when I’m tipsy, but no way when I’m sober”

For those who enjoy analysis, these statements could be broken into “I have the skills to show interest to cis-males who respond to me in a way I recognise easily.  However, I don’t know how to show interest to cis-females or even to recognise when they are showing interest back at me” OR

“When I’m sober, I am much more aware of feeling silly, embarrassed or rejected, which influences my decision to keep to myself and not show interest in people I like.  When I’m tipsy, I feel less restricted and take things much less personally, this makes it easier for me to interact with others”

Thinking of things in this expansive way, highlights your choice as well as the skills you have or do not have.  It may not feel as easy or good as the generalised statements. However, you are more likely to grow or make necessary shifts by stating things more accurately.

In conversation and across online group chats, these broad sentences are often repeated and met with sympathy or agreement that indeed, yes! It is hard to find and date people.  If you sit back for a moment, and leave the dating sphere, you will actually notice that there are many social statements just like these across other areas.  In sports, study or career paths or even family dynamics, they are many statements oft stated, oft accepted and then repeated.  It used to be, well, it still can be a way of finding common ground about a community, race or sexual preference.  Personally, I am not against finding agreement.  In a group, agreement can give you a marvellous sense of cohesion, connection and comradery however, scripts and repeated, unquestioned statements can over time, limit growth and contribute to an acceptable laziness within yourself, or within your world. 

Sometimes through a major world event or a family drama, these statements and beliefs and conclusions are shattered or dissolved.  However, more frequently it will be when this accepted statement is more agitating than assuring, that it means a new truth or new space is trying to break through.  Rather like cutting teeth, it isn’t usually pain free but once introduced, is more useful than what was there beforehand. 

I’m sure you could think of a hundred social statements which were once heard frequently and with little question, here are just a few examples “Boys are better at sport”, “The more they push you away, the more they want it” and “Smoking is cool”.  Think of any category, from health to marriage to cooking meat the right way and there will have been a belief which was held, maintained and then had to be adjusted as we gained more knowledge, social dynamics changed and humankind evolved.

If you really want to become better at something, which you feel you are not good at.  Collect up the statements, conclusions and any beliefs that you are aware of, and put them into a box.  Do this every time one pops up.  Don’t worry about dissolving each one or trying to ‘work through’ each one and work out where they came from.  In order to improve, spending time in the past and pondering reflections won’t work anywhere near as quickly or effectively as stepping into the present moment and creating a future focus.  So – lets get back to flirting.  Scoop up “I’m not good at flirting”, “Boys are so much easier to flirt with than girls”, “Flirts are just a tease” … and expand them into more useful form such as “I’m confident flirting with ____”, “I want to become more confident showing an interest in _____” or “Flirting is a skill I really want to get better at”

While doing this, take a moment to consciously step away from measuring and calculating results.  You can come back to this later, if you wish.  Results are best checked after you have become stronger at something, and when you wish to compare one point in time with another.  Due to our inner impatience and also, our desire to protect ourselves from yukki feelings, we sometimes bring results in as a reason to stop doing something.  “Oh, no, I fell off the bike twice today as I turned a corner – I’m hopeless at bike riding.  Not doing that again”.  Give it a few days, a few weeks or years and you’ll hear that adult saying “Oh, no, I’m hopeless at bike riding – cars are my thing”.  Rather than taking responsibility for the choice to stop, because you just didn't want to keep learning (and falling), it is easier to create a personal generalisation.  

Flirting, just like bike riding, can improve when practiced.  If you focus on collecting information about yourself, your motivators and the things that demotivate you.  Focus on acting with an intention of passing a message of interest to others, while checking if that person has an interest in you and then improving the process of delivery, timing and learning the tools that work well for you, you just might end up getting better because you persist. 

What you are already good at, doesn’t need more work. Most people are already pretty practiced and judgemental of their failure and success.  People often guage whether they are ‘good’ or ‘bad’ at something based on how successful they have been.   You will notice elite athletes like basketballers or golfers, still miss shots and fail regularly.  The difference between them and any other athlete is that they are usually prepared to keep failing, in order to get that goal and they focus a lot on the process along the way.  Elite footballers will do martial arts, mindfulness activities, swim and weights training all for the sake of improving their football game.  Most human relational skills actually call on a similarity breadth of strengthening and experience in order to improve.  

Flirting means knowing how to do a whole heap of things better.  Getting the interest of another person is not really that hard – just jump on a table, do a dramatic yodel, lift your leg as high as your can and then pick your nose and eat it.  VOILA! You’ll have many people’s attention and maybe even their interest and curiosity.  Some will be impressed, others disgusted.  Someone may even want to sleep with you and another person may become an online stalker.  The only measure of success is whether or not it achieved what you were looking for.  And it may have missed the mark completely.  For sexual attention, grabbing someones hand and putting it onto a private part may get you that result.  

Neither of these two above examples would be categorised as flirting because two of the key features of flirting is subtlely and timing.  Sending out a message of interest in someone, while exposing just a little of yourself in order to determine whether that person may have an interest in getting to know you. This is flirting.  

When flirting becomes too obvious and showy, it can almost lose its place.  In language, we may still say ‘s/he was obviously flirting with the new employee in the staff room’ .. and for some people, just this shift in intensity and openness, may be enough to lose rather than gain interest.  Overt vs subtle.  Physical vs verbal.  Submissive vs dominant.  All choices, all take practice and all are mastered with practice while being able to cope and respond to the unexpected, uninvited and unwanted parts that arise.  

Whatever you do more of you will get better at.  Check, are you getting better at what you want or are you simply doing more of what you are comfortable with, but not moving in the direction that brings out your best self?

Take a moment to recognise how you do ‘new stuff’.  Are you someone who learns more and likes the thrill of excitement and challenge and that pushes you through the discomfort and unfamiliarity of change?  Or are you someone who prefers things to be quiet, private and studious so as to gain a level of confidence in private?  Regardless of which path you prefer, anything that is new, unfamiliar  will bring out feelings of discomfort, embarrassment and vulnerability.  

Take a moment to look at the reality of this across your life.  This isn’t something which applies just for flirting, it is true for many things like cooking your first meal for the family or riding your bike on the road for the first time.  As soon as you add an interactive layer, the difficulty level increases a hundred fold.  You can be the best goal shooter or kicker on the planet when you play by yourself or with your supportive friend.  Getting goals from the left, the right, near and even from a huge and impressive distance but the moment you have an audience, you can be left wondering what on earth you actually can do.   You may be the best cook ever when you had a chance to buy all the ingredients, prep in your time and with no other pressures and serve when you were ready BUT having a meal ready for 8 people, while making sure the table is set, drinks are all prepared and WHAT?!?!  The garlic bread wasn’t put in the oven 10 mins ago!!!! The baby needs a nappy change now and no one else wants to do it?!?! This doesn’t make you a bad cook – it makes you someone who is now doing more than just cooking AND is aware of the significance of good vs poor timing.  An audience, a critic, a cheerleader or just an expressive and loud distraction in the group can be enough to show you that your skills are not as you thought.  You may have skills which are not stable when brought out in public.  There is no problem with this, it is only a problem when you find yourself in new environments and call on a skill you thought you had, only to feel or see it completely disintegrate in effectiveness. Yes, that can be demoralising, however if you really want to get better at something, you'll just get right back to it.

At a very basic level, flirting is the skill of doing something which shows another person you are interested in getting to know them in a slightly more than friendship kind of way.  For some people flirting has a physical and sexual direction, but for many people it is just about indicating an interest in a relationship of sorts.  At this level, the flirting might be in your imagination or by making contact or conscious connection with a person more than you would normally interact.  It may be that you consider being more playful, more interactive or more verbally or physically suggestive … and at this level, whether or not the message is received can be hard to tell.  This is kind of a practice space, it can still feel a bit fun and might expose vulnerabilities, but there is not a high risk of rejection.  In fact, the message of interest (physical, sexual or relational) may not even reach the other person.  It may just be received as a ‘usual’ and friendly interaction which has nothing special about it except that it is ‘nice’. 

I will add that it is at this level that the many human behaviours which are subconscious and come through when a person looks/finds another person they want to relate with more, will come through.  There are many articles and studies done about this, so I won’t even attempt to write a summary here, but it can be useful to be aware of your natural displays of interest in other people.  You may find you stand straighter, curl your hair around your finger, bite your lower lip, look for eye contact and then either glance away OR nod upwards, avoid eye contact but try to gain side arm contact … so many approaches, and only you will know which one is your way of saying “Hey, I’m interested in you”.  It may be as simple as you actually listen to what that person is saying, when you know that you really can’t be bothered with that when it comes to long term partners or most other people. 

As flirting can happen online as well, you may want to take a moment to work out what your written or online interactive style is too.  It will not be the same as the approach you take online.  Most importantly, it may not even convert neatly from online to reality.  Which is why some people start to feel as though ‘they can’t do it’ in real life .. as timing, holding space and intention becomes a lot more exposed in real life interaction.  Online, there is the advantage of more timing and space to breathe between responses and interactions.  It becomes very easy, and fun to send a gif or a picture or a meme, using someone elses joke to help communicate what you would find tricky to do yourself.  There is a layer of safety which can help you feel more comfortable to be yourself.  In real time, there are so many more cues to be aware of, and it becomes this that gets in the way of committing to flirting. It is your commitment to flirting which will leave most people feeling awkward, flat and cautious.

Once you take away the layers of protection and safety AND put to the side the results focus, there is really only thing that will help you become better at flirting.  

Focus.  Flirting takes focus.  Often there is a person who is your focal point and then there is the focus on getting your message across, while not being derailed by emotions such as self doubt, embarrassment and feeling silly. 

Expressing an interest in someone while trying to establish whether they have an interest in you, takes courage, consistency and confidence.  At the least, an illusion and the practice of these elements, will lead you to best getting a message across.  At best, feeling these will allow you to enjoy the process regardless of outcome.  Giving you a chance to laugh at yourself (kindly), improve with practice and eventually, gain strength in understanding yourself and whether you actually wanted that persons interest or simply wanted to see that you could gain that persons interest. 

If you need results to feel more confident – then it is possible to flirt, express interest in others, with no other purpose than to see whether another person will be responsive to you.  Needless to say (but I’m saying it anyway), as you accumulate data in the form of success or failure, you are communicating to others who you are.  Not everyone will be impressed with success focused personalities, especially when it comes to human interactions.  Then again, this may not be your concern.

If you need to feel less awkward – then it is possible to practice flirting, showing people you are interested in them, using different approaches until you find the way that is most comfortable for you.  Don’t forget, every coin has a flip side.  If you approach flirting one-style, don’t be surprised if that attracts the attention and gains the interest of a one-type of personality. 

Have you ever met someone who, in your eyes, is just the best ever master flirter?  Did you want to be like them?  Do they have a single strong relationship? Or several great relationships? Are they popular in your eyes? Confident?  Or just subtle and strong?  Take a moment to check why flirting has become important for you to learn.   I know people who are both, single or happily in relationship/s, who can express interest in others well and not feel like they need to recuperate for a week, after missing out on a positive response from someone they were focused on.  However, I also know incredible people, either single or happily in relationship/s, who either don’t flirt, don’t worry about flirting or I have never seen flirt.  I don’t think of them as being any less or more than any other person. I know some people who will flirt as a way of distracting from the tension or discomfort of social settings and because it gives them responses (both positive and negative) that they are comfortable and familiar with, and don’t have to worry about reflecting upon.  Just like a person who takes on a ‘joker’ hat or becomes the ‘entertainer’, being ‘a flirt’ can be as much a role and a cover, as anything else.   

As with any other incredible skill in life, (horseriding comes to mind) flirting isn’t an essential one.  If the only reason the idea of flirting comes up in your life, is because you are looking to subtly guage whether another person is interested in you, while expressing interest in them – maybe flirting isn’t the answer.

If I was happy at home and caught public transport when I needed or walked, and the only time I considered learning to drive was when I wanted to visit a friend in Cooberpedy (Regional Australia, hard to visit without driving) … well, then driving isn’t really my interest.  Wanting to visit a friend is my motivator.  I do not have to learn to drive to travel there.  I do not have to get my licence or buy a car, all I need to do is work out a way which works for me.  I might pay someone else to drive me or catch a bus.  I might look for travel-share options of people looking for companions on their drive outback and share the cost of petrol.  I may even just ask them whether they like the option of visiting Adelaide, and help make that happen instead.  So too with flirting, if the only time you notice that you lack the skills to get other peoples interest while conveying your own interest, is when you are wanting to date again or meet new people and start new relationships, well, perhaps another way of doing this will be just as good.  For me, if I am really interested in someone, I just chat to them and at some point I tell them directly that I like them or that they have gained my interest.  At some point, I may ask a question to find out whether they have space in their life for getting to know someone new or I may simply share about the space in my life, and let them know that I would welcome them stepping into it a little more frequently. 

I can flirt.  I have the skills to flirt and when I was younger and working on not taking things personally, acting in confidence and decreasing worry while increasing enjoyment, flirting was something I would engage in, honestly, ethically and because I had the time to be around people in social environments.  These days, my environment is more home and family focused.  I am social however am rarely looking to ‘pick up’ or develop relationships further when I am in celebratory or other social environments.  I focus on being myself in the event I connect with someone in friendship, and to enjoy the moment I am in for what life sparkles it presents.  If I have an interest in someone, I will usually let them know and in turn, I will open up space for that person to feel welcome to step closer while still feeling accepted if they stay where they are or even, move away.

Yes! Absolutely.

My 12 year old son only wants one gift for Christmas the gift costs $5000 should I get it for him?

Misia Julia, Relationships Specialist (2007-present)

Answered December 20, 2018 on quora

My answer did not match the previous responses on quora. And only applies to items which are legal, suitable and something which can be included into the home or your environment. 

Probably best to not bother reading further if this is a Santa Claus perpetuation, then the answer is more simple. … do it if you want to and can afford it. If you can't, then get a gift card to the value that is acceptable to you and maybe it is time to start dissolving the illusion of Santa!

My answer to him directly however, would be “‘absolutely yes’ my gift this year is to say that YES I want to help you get this item, sometime during the next year or month or whatever. However With 5 days to go, it won't happen for this year so feel free to tell me about something else that you want within my more usual budget of $x.”

Then make a time to sit down and find out how $5000 comes together, and how he can contribute and participate in this fund collection.

The fact you ask this question with possibility, tells me that you would consider buying this for him. Which also tells me that you would have the ideas, knowledge and ability to have a relaxed, discovery based discussion with your son. …this discussion doesn't have to be a sit down, single session.

It can be spread over many days, dinners and car drives.

It can be fun, curiosity based and fueled by possibility.

He can give ideas, you can give ideas, other family members can contribute. No idea should be measured by its possibility, but simply recieve as ‘yes, I could see that working’ or ‘whoa, I had't thought of that’ or ‘Hmmm, I'm curious to understand more about what you mean”

From putting things that he already owns and selling them with you on facebook or at a garage sale to finding out that ordinary tasks that you do in the home have a time value which may translate into a $value.

Hypothetical questions such as. .’if you had $2500 in your account, how much of that would you contribute towards this $5000 item?’. ‘if you had to choose 3 things to not do or eat or have over a year, what would they be? These types of questions can reveal a lot about your child s character and expectations. The interesting thing is that you may discover how important this item is, and what they are prepared to exchange in their life to move towards this goal.

It isn't about having your child earn money or work, it isn't about them doing chores. .. it is about being aware of the value of things in their life, and using this want for one thing to help them discover their own priorities. It is also about you, learning about your son, without directing him to achieve our succeed. Simply taking the opportunity to learn more about your son.

FIRST AND ONLY RULE. Your aim is discover more about your child. You are not aiming to buy or not buy something. That is your child's focus.

If they step away from wanting it, change their mind or become angry. You do not need to do anything nor try to get their interest back. Just be available and at some stage you might ask ‘so, do you want to still get that item you told me about? ‘ No, is completely fine. There will be other wants and ‘would likes’ that will come up soon enough

My 13yo daughter was very keen on the apple brand ear buds. Personally, they held no interest to me and I thought they were very pricey. But i don't refer to my knowledge to override or detract from my children's choices. Instead, as always, I said that getting those ear buds was possible but I was honest to o, saying I won't be buying them immediately, it will need some thought and discussion.

Bear in mind, I have practiced this approach with my children since they were about 8yo…so they step into it readily. But even families who step into an ‘absolutely yes’ approach for the first time, can make incredible discoveries together.

First I checked whether she had an ideal timeframe, and whether there was a time beyond which she just couldn't be bothered acting to. It turned out January sometime was fine because she still had time in the holidays to work out how to use them, set up etc. TICK

Then, we talked about features, what made these buds the ones she wanted. ..this also helped me understand what she was looking for and why, remembering that I was not familiar with this piece of technology. I indicated how much I was prepared to contribute, in this case about half, and what it meant I would not buy or do as I had originally thought. In this case, as I am overseas, I was just going to give her the cash to spend as she wanted, but I know she likes having savings.

Finally, I asked her to send me a link to where she would be buying it, and 2 or 3 more links to see if the prices are comparable or competitive. Perhaps me buying duty free would be a good option this year. We always have a research stage, even if it is for reading feedback forums or looking for second hand, as new sales. …we chatted back and forth on messenger and by email. Exchanging discoveries and thoughts.

THE OUTCOME? my daughter found a set of earbuds which she liked the look of and had all the same features, especially her main interest for a long playing life, for around $50 instead of the $200+ and asked that I order those for her instead and transfer the remainder into her account, so she still has cash to access later. All this simply because I said ‘absolutely yes’

I am not invested in what my daughters buy, soon enough it will be their own life and decisions which won't have my input. To me, whether they buy something big, small, cheap or expensive, doesn't matter. Whether they buy on credit, through savings or by finding another approach doesn't matter either. The process, the discovery and the experience is what counts to me.

I will still have my own limits. My daughters know that sometimes I do not have the ability to contribute in $ but I can contribute time or some other skill or resource. They know that thinking of ideas and hearing other ideas is important, as that is where even more ideas come from. You only know what you know until you learn something new! And finally, we all understand that things can get emotional sometimes. ..but if anger ,hostility or nastiness invades the space, then the process goes on pause until such time as that passes.

I do not act when someone is angry. I step away, do my own thing or if invited, help move through the anger and sadness and reenter when that person says they are feeling clearer.

When someone says they plan to bungee jump from the moon. My first response might be ‘whoa., I was not expecting to hear that today! ‘ tell me more about that idea. …I'm curious.

If someone says they plan to build a look alike mansion like what famous artist or singer had, I might say ‘Hmmm, what are the features you are most impressed by? ‘

Every want and desire is valid for what it can tell us about a person, it doesn't mean it will happen. I may not be the one that brings it to life. But I certainly won't get in the way.

Am I on track?

Message to those who seek alignment, clarity and energetic health.

To those of you who wish to know if you are ‘on track’ in life or in something specific like a working path, a relationship or some other activity.  There are ways of checking and knowing.  And like most things – even if you know, there is no need or obligation to act. 

Just accepting new knowledge can help you with clarity in a given moment.

Your heart will give you the answer everytime. 

Take a moment to ‘feel’ your life (or the subject you are looking to know more about) as a whole. 

Ask “Am I on track?” 

The heart will only give you one of three answers.

Yes – on track.  This simply means you are travelling on the path that is energetically ok for you.  Even if life feels chaotic, uncomfortable or distressing, you can still be on track. 

No – not on track.  This means you are travelling on a path that is not energetically assigned to you.  This may impact how easily things get done or how often you get sick or the type of road blocks you come across.  Life may still feel comfortable, easy and smooth, however energetically it may cause your body, your mind and your soul a daily dis-ease. 

There may be silence – no answer – because you are neither on track, nor off track.  You may have chosen to create or work to an alternate or preferred path which has a mix of energetic alignment and chaos for your greater self.

The heart will only ever tell you the truth.

It will only give you simple and clear statements.

It will not challenge you, but its voice and strength will fade the less you listen or act on what you hear. 

Your heart is a great resource and the only resource which knows the complete truth about you.

A question which can be very useful to follow “Am I on track?” are

-        “Am I in the right place?” OR “Am I travelling at the right speed?”

Importantly, when speaking to your heart, the question right does not mean right vs wrong.  It means ‘greater good for self’.  There is right and not right, but there is no wrong.  There is on track or off track, but there is no bad track.  Like tuning an instrument, two strings will either vibrate together and sound harmonious or they will not, but no sound is wrong.

When the heart has no answer – it may be because the answer is external to you, energetically around you.  There is a way of hearing answers to questions here too.  However, when we are not internally aligned, listening to external guidance can be limited, too selective to be useful or even, not possible.  Our emotional state creates an internal energy which can override inner truth, the ability to hear and listen and impacts our ability to receive new information.

Our hearts help us with our inner alignment, inner strength and sense of self. 

Our heart cannot help us with our behaviour, the words we use or how confident we feel at any time.  It is simply a guiding inner light to help us gain conviction in the behaviour we take on, the words we choose and the confidence we can build through practice.

Our heart is a source of simple emotions and the most essential of emotions.  Joy, Love and Sadness.

All the rest are emotions which develop from this core.  

All other emotions come from the mind or body.  

We are born with core energetic experience of Joy, Sadness and Love.  

We then learn and develop other simple emotions such as anger, happiness, fear either through observation and experience.  

Simple emotions can also interweave to create complex emotional signatures such as jealousy, excitement and guilt.

At all times – remember – we have ultimate power and choice.  It is always our choice to align or to be guided.  Our free will will form the basis of our decisions and actions. 

The energetically aligned path is not the easiest path.  Yet, it is! 

The important thing to understand is that there is no guarantee that being aligned or guided will give you an easy and smooth walkway through life.  It will not necessarily give you anything that you have specifically looked for.  However, it will provide you with everything you need.  

If you have many behaviours, decisions, tasks and emotional ie internal energy to shift and align, then the path may feel challenging.  There will be many moments of testing and checking your commitment.   With time, with practice and with commitment, the energetically aligned path that is best for you will become easier to see, to feel and to choose.  But like any adventurer dealing with an overgrown and unwalked path – the beginning can be the most scary, lonely and painful time.  It can find you looking over your shoulder, and wanting to be back on familiar turf before sun down!  What it will call on is your curiosity, sense of discovery and interest in being complete and whole within yourself.  

Your heart has all your answers.  Not all the answers.  

In the comments below or by email to misia.julia@gmail.com , let me know what you found most interesting or useful to you from this post.

Feel free to call out for topics or send questions - it may be the very nudge that helps me determine my next blog post.

ABOUT ME!

I am committed to energetic health and alignment in my own life and to help any other person who is looking for the same.  

I do this through energy readings, emotional health assessments and relationship development.  I am a big pebble in a small pond.  It matters not to me how many people I come across, what matters is that I act to the best in me, to respond to the best in those I cross paths with.   

Regardless of where I am in the world, I am able to work with you or respond to you if you are looking for clarity, direction or perspective on a personal matter.  I use skype, messenger and ofcourse email.  

Go to www.misia.com.au for more information or to book a consult. 

Should I wait or should I act? It isn't always easy to know.

What do you get when you put baking soda into vinegar?  What about an aspirin into water?  Or even changing potatoes from hard to boiled and ready to mash!?
Bubbles, agitation and maybe some mess if it spills over.

After a little while though everything goes back to looking like a flat clear and kind of plain, after the agitated state.

In life it is like people would like the change, but don't want the agitation.  It is fairly common to hear that people are waiting.  Not the day to day waiting like waiting in line at the busstop or supermarket register, or waiting for a parcel to arrive but waiting to know who they are. 
Waiting to find out what they should be doing or should be looking for.

So, the mildly dissatisfied government worker waits to see what type of job they want next, and in the meantime 3 years pass with no greater clarity.
A person with house duties and looking after the children, waits for their partner to get more involved with the children and maybe to make dinner once in a while, so that they can feel more confident or feel that they have more time to reenter the workforce.
A middle manager waits to be chosen in the next promotion, only to be overlooked again, despite the occasional intense discussions with their boss, pretty positive performance reviews and seeing other people moving upwards or into more suited positions.
Certainly there is a benefit to waiting sometimes.  Depending on your personality and anxiety levels, you may also need to learn to wait and there are undoubtedly examples in your life, when some waiting yields results where pushing may have been destructive or detrimental.  So, though there is usually learning that can occur 'while you wait', when do you know it is time to stop waiting and step into creating a new experience?

Yes, those moments we see in the movies and even on youtube, when someone does something 'for' someone.  Like hooks them up with a new job, because they just knew their partner, friend, family member would suit it more - is great.  An undercover boss, works and watches someone in their work, and so handpicks them to become State Sales Manager and gives them a bonus $10000.  These are all moments we wish would happen to us.  But more often than not, life calls on you to organise your own experience. 


So - if you feel that you've been waiting forever for something better to happen.  Follow these steps

IDENTIFY   -    FOCUS   -   ACT   -   CHANGE

1.  IDENTIFY what you want to have or do differently
2.  FOCUS and convert all the thoughts and knowledge you have into action steps, tasks, buttons and even research modules.
3.  ACT every day.  Assign a task to each day in your diary OR a timeframe of minimum 15mins of acting towards your change. 
4.  Review the CHANGE that has happened.  Schedule a once weekly, fortnightly or monthly review date.  This allows you to see what progress has happened, what you have learnt and what tasks can be added or removed from your action list. 

Expect and accept that emotions will stir and even surprise you.  Decide whether you want to give time to emotional housekeeping or whether, you are better off just committing to your progress and path.

For me personally, I like to do my emotional housekeeping regularly.  This time gives me insight into myself and as I am very focused on relationship building, healthy communication and overall wellbeing, this suits me.  However, I know people who prefer staying in action gear with emotional distractions being firmly and quickly placed to the side, and only reviewed after a month or so.  As long as you are acting to your values and strengths, the 'when' doesn't matter as long as it is the healthy option for you.

So WHEN DO YOU CHOOSE TO ACT RATHER THAN WAIT?
When the experience will give you more information and insight than waiting.  When acting, doing and trying will actually teach you how to do something and develop your own approach. 
I may love basketball and watch people playing and read about it and know all the stats, but until I pick up a ball, feel the weight and the texture on my hands and try to bounce, dribble and control it, I really don't know anything about the experience of basketball.  Shooting goals is its own experience that can't be measured by all the balls that go in, but for the ease, reliability and your confidence in getting the ball where you want it.

For the government worker just plodding along, it is starting to apply for jobs and realising that they don't really want to work in their field anymore.  Perhaps learning that they still want to have a sense of stability and security of income but perhaps want a role that is more or less challenging than what they do now.  The action of applying for a job can really help clarify what you want to do, are prepared to do and really do not want to do anymore.

For the person with house duties and children, it might not be about finding a job first.  It may be about coordinating house tasks and children with their partner, or perhaps, making other arrangements with a nanny or a regular cleaner.  Even the discussions or arguments that arise with a partner, can be a bigger part of learning about the obstacles and how you deal with them. In choosing to act towards what you'd like to change, it may be the experience of communication which teaches you more than simply applying for a job.

For the middle manager it is about realising that they feel hurt at being passed over because they thought they were valued by their boss.  So they have to either find other work or accept that they aren't here to be recognised, just to do a job. 

Like most life paths, there isn't a clear black and white answer to whether you should act or wait.  But if you know you have been waiting, and learning, for a while.  It is quite likely time to act in some way, to invite the learning that just cannot happen through waiting.

Just like the bubbles that happen when you put aspirin in water, it doesn't usually become clear immediately.  There is usually some turmoil, confusion and cloudiness.   Eventually it clears, you can't rush it, you can just act then let things settle.

When we make the decision to shift gears from waiting into action, it is just like changing gears in a car.  Much of the mechanics may be the same but it is a different experience and will cause emotion to stir.  When stepping into action, emotions can stir and fear can hit hard and make you want to shift back into waiting gear.  But just like moving a car beyond walking pace, you have to commit to the new gear and learn what goes with moving faster. 

Becoming distressed at 'not knowing' can bring out anxieties and a search for familiarity and comfort.  Along with all that, can also come the sensations of discomfort and feeling like you have no idea what to hold onto.  Be gentle with yourself, and firm.  Take those moments and simply accept that they make sense and in a bit of time, give or take a little bit more time, as long as you keep getting up with a focus on the experience and the learning, you will get through and be stronger and clearer as a result.  Just like stepping onto a rope ladder, you can do it fast or do it slow, hate it or love it or simply wish that someone was doing it instead of you, but at the end you have the actual experience which you can tuck into your savings bank of experiences, even if you never do it again.

The other thing to remember is that keeping the two things separate, won't help you get to the other side.  Staying in waiting mode, while watching or imagining the things that you could be doing, won't get you there. 
Keeping the baking soda to the side of the coloured vinegar, won't get that class project volcano erupting and giving everyone that memorable experience and maybe even an A+
Keeping the Berocca tablet on the side of the water, might help you keep hydrated as you sip away, but definitely won't give you the experience that you were hoping for.  No Vit B boost or hangover hit for you!

But what about security and stability!?

Well, the good news is that by choosing to shift into action for something that hasn't been changing, doesn't mean you have to let go of security and stability.  Simply ACT a little every day to the new experience, this can mean writing up a CV or telling people that you are looking for a PT job.  It can mean you complete a self development activity every evening for 15mins before watching tv.  The simplest of changes, can generate impact and change without actually changing anything related to security and stability.  Then, when the time comes, you may have gained the strength, conviction and inner stability to make a change in your outside world.  Like changing from second to third gear in a manual vehicle, a bit scary and tricky, but like everything, when you stay focused, the experience actually sorts itself out.

I could say "GOOD LUCK", but I know moving and creating your own change has very little to do with luck.  Instead I will wish you "THE FULLEST OF STRENGTH AND ENERGY" to keeping up the focus on your change.

If you feel like sharing, feel free to email me misia.julia@gmail.com or COMMENT at the end of this post.

I don't want to be happy!

I am sometimes asked 'Why are you so happy?' and my first honest answer is that in this moment, "I am not happy, however I am (usually and often) content."

Contentment happens and allows alot of room for other emotions to be.
This doesn't mean I have perfect days, with no frustrations or that things go my way at all times.
It also doesn't mean I don't have complaints or little life happenings which I would not have loved to have been different.  But in all honesty, I don't want to be happy all the time.

Just as I don't want to be sad all the time.
I don't want to be delighted all the time.
I don't want to be any one experience all the time.

I think our emotional spectrum is amazing.  I feel fortunate to experience so many parts of that spectrum.  I love that I have the capacity to experience many emotions over the course of a day.

Certainly, lingering sadness, resentment, regret or fear are not emotional states I wish to stay in, however I am glad for the experience because there is usually some information about my environment or about myself to be gained from the emotional moment.

I work to an emotional foundation that is not complex.
I believe we come into this world with an basic ability to feel alert, discomfort and contentment.

Unlike many emotions and feeling models and theories, I do not believe that happiness and fear are at our core.  I believe both are learnt and where being happy develops from contentment, fear develops from being alert.  Depending on your environment and what you have to learn from, feeling happy or scared or irritated will all develop with different strength and with varying priority.

I also do not believe being happy is essential for survival or life.  I believe it is an emotion that is born from contentment and it can definitely help shift a perspective and help you survive, but a life without happiness will not automatically mean you have a bad life.

What is it about this generation and this society that has come to believe that a certain level of happiness is essential to living a good life?

I may not feel happy over the course of a day, a week or perhaps even a month.  However, dependant on what else is part of my emotional diet - it is not necessarily a bad time.  I do not search for feeling happy, neither do I feel that not having a happy experience is a problem.  A bit like ice-cream, I like it and I would probably gladly eat icecream daily, however if i don't have icecream for a month, I will be ok.

Believe it or not - if my days and weeks are filled with a variety of emotions from the simple ones to the more complex, then I am alive and I am living.  As I am also receptive to my environment and interact with people who have the ability to input into my life, I may experience sadness, confusion, curiosity, fear, despair, satiation, excitement, fulfilment, dread, enthusiasm, anger and so the list continues.  I would begin to be concerned if a single emotion became dominant - and yes, that would include happiness.  Because isn't there something manic and even physiologically dangerous about sustaining a single state for a long period of time.

This is part of the distress surrounding stress.  In itself, stress is a natural and needed state.  However, as people live with an expectation or hope that stress will diminish, while not necessarily making any personal change for that to occur - the permanence of the state creates mental and physical health problems.  The occurrence is natural.  Cyclical resolution is ideal.  Permanence is not.

So too, being happy.
No, thank you.

I'm content.  That will do nicely.